Getting Sassy with the Spammers

Am I the only one out there in the interwebs who gets about 3 emails a week from strange people telling me my website doesn’t rank well and has poor results in Google…yet they found me through Google?

Ironic, don’t you think?

This morning at 5 am, I received my 4th email this week. For some reason this one really stuck out to me as being more ridiculous than usual and I found it a little bit creepy. I have no doubt it is from a ‘company‘ in India or somewhere very far away, but the offer to meet me in person or the man wanting my phone number was a bit over the top.

There have been times when I email them back and politely let them know to go away.

Instead of polite, I decided to go with sassy and emailed ‘Joseph‘ back.

The early am email from the SEO creeper. Team,

I thought you might like to know some reasons why you are not getting enough Social Media and Organic search engine traffic for

1. Your website is not ranking top in Google organic searches for many competitive keyword phrases.

2. Your company is not doing well in most of the Social Media Websites.

3. Your site is not user friendly on mobile devices.

There are many additional improvements that could be made to your website, and if you would like to learn about them, and are curious to know what our working together would involve, then I would be glad to provide you with a detailed analysis in the form of a WEBSITE AUDIT REPORT for FREE.

Our clients consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are at the top of the Google search rankings. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company’s website traffic and online reputation. You will be happy to know that, my team is willing to guarantee you 1st page Google ranking for most of your targeted keyword phrases in our six month ongoing campaign.

Sound interesting? Feel free to email us or alternatively you can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you. I am also available to meet you in person and present you this website audit report.
Best Regards,

Joseph Taylor
Marketing Consultant

PS I: I am not spamming. I have studied your website and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

PS II: I found your site using Google search and after having a look over your website I recommend you to implement future technologies such as HTML5 and Responsive Design to make your site more accessible in mobile phone, tablets, desktop etc.

My sassy response.


If you found my website with Google, I have a sense my search results are just fine. 

I  wonder what kind of people you work with and what company you work for – your email doesn’t tell me either of these things. Also the blue font is hard on the eyes. I appreciate that you are a ‘marketing consultant’ but from where and with what level of expertise? One of your areas of expertise appears to be not doing any research before grabbing my contact information and sending me an email template. 

Also, a sure sign of spamming someone is letting them know you are ‘not’ spamming them. 

If the company you are a marketing consultant for has an actual name and website, I suggest adding them into your emails as you continue to ‘not spam’ people in the future.

And yes, please remove me from your mailing list which I never asked to be on in the first place.

Very sincerely,


PS I – No, I do not want to meet you in person to review any results you have gathered about my website. 

PS II – Nor do I want to give you my phone number so you can call me directly. The best time to call me is never. As stated above, there is nothing about your email which lends any credibility to your ‘offer’.

And yes, I sent the email.

Possibly a bit over the top and unwarranted, but I felt it was my womanly duty to try to stop the inflow of ridiculous spam from strange men offering to meet women in person to go over website audit reports.

Where are these people’s mothers? Do you ever email back?

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  1. Heehee, I’ve always wanted to but never have responded.

  2. I get that exact mail. I have been getting it for about a year now, and yes, its 1 to 4 times a week. And each time it is from a different email, all usually gmail.
    I have replied, googled and reported, but I cant shake this one.

  3. Yep, I can’t shake this one either. Every time it comes in, I’m marking it as spam in my gmail, so hopefully it’ll get flagged by google/gmail via the content.

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