I Despise Carnivals

There is a small number of things in life that I utterly despise. Static cling, ego maniacs, broccoli, and carnivals, to name a couple.

Even as a teenager, I hated carnivals…and not just a little bit.

Going to a place where the only thing to do is go on rides that scare the life out of me and stuff my face with cotton candy and chilli dogs is not my idea of a good time.

The odd times I ended up at a carnival, I was usually peer pressured into going on the rides.

Apparently it is fun.

swings

Round and round, up and down. Fun? I think not!!!

As soon as I was strapped into the ride, I would start to sweat and slightly hyperventilate. A grimace that was mistaken for a smile would be pasted onto my face and I would try not to scream or throw up.

Tears of relief always threatened to run down my cheeks when the ride was over.

I survived, but just barely.

Now that I am all grown up I go to a different kind of a carnival – the carnival of self loathing, comparing, and poor thinking.

Instead of cotton candy and chilli dogs, there is peanut butter and conversing with the internal dialog that is anything but helpful.

No one is forcing me to get on the rides. I willingly line up, strap myself in, hold on for dear life, and try to keep the tears at bay.

For some reason I think I have to go on the rides, that I have to go to the carnival!

Want to know a deep, dark secret?

It is hard for me to look in the mirror other than to put on my makeup, ensure my clothes match, and make sure I don’t have food stuck in my teeth. If I have to look at myself for longer than 5 seconds, I feel like I am staring directly at the sun and my retinas start to burn.

I look, but I don’t see.

I don’t see that the wonderful and beautiful woman staring back at me is me.

There is comfort in experiencing something known, even if it is painful.

I don’t want to get what I have always gotten in the past. It is time to forge a new future, a future of living to my full potential and seeing who I truly am.

Sure its scary, but so is the carnival.

There will always be fear, its time to acknowledge it and move on.

I am moving on this week!

Here is what moving on looks like for me:

  • Make a list of things that I am and read them out loud to myself every morning…thank goodness no one else is up at 4:30 am with me!
  • Look at myself in the mirror past checking my teeth and tell myself 3 good things about myself at least once a day.
  • Get curious about why I want to go to the carnival of self loathing…what is ‘uncomfortable‘ that I want to avoid?
  • Ask myself how I did each day while lying in bed before I go to sleep, ‘Did I give 100% to doing my best in every aspect of my life? What am I going to excel at tomorrow?’

What does moving on look like for you?

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Comments

  1. Chrystal cook says:

    Ummmm that’s a good idea but sounds hard when I’m working out at the gym and see in the mirror mostly I feel good Cus I know I’m doin something about it but sometimes I just wanna cry how did I get here why didn’t I change sooner. But now is better then never and I am happy that 7 months ago I decided I was worth it!!!!

  2. Awe that makes me sad. You ARE beautiful, inside and out. My therapist used to tell me to look at myself in the mirror everyday and say “I love you.” So hard to do but feels amazing. Here’s to a newer, stronger Donloree!

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