Big Changes For Big Rewards

I am responsible and disciplined, after all I have goals and dreams to accomplish.Β Since October 2009 I have tracked every single thing I have eaten every single day. I have chopped, measured, forgone, obsessed, panicked, stuck to the plan, and done everything possible to be successful. There have been a few rare days that I have gone crazy…the two weeks after my comp being most of them. Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, and every social event have been clean.

Epically clean.

I have conquered the ‘appear to be drinking‘ in social settings and will even put a piece of cake on my plate and make it look like its in the process of being eaten just to make others feel comfortable. Do you have any idea how much discipline it takes to carry around a piece of chocolate cheesecake on your plate and not even have one bite of it?

Despite all this discipline, I find myself working out more, eating less, gaining fat, and full of health ridiculousness.

I have been an absolute slave driver to my body and emotions. Yes, there are huge goals to accomplish and pro cards to win, but the way I am going about this is not helpful. I set my goals high and told Joe and Mark to take me there and that I will do anything I need to do to get there. They have been diligent and respectful in helping me accomplish my goals in the way that I have requested.

Meanwhile I am hungry…and I don’t mean just a little bit. I mean HUH-UNG-GREEE!!! I dream of eating butter by the spoonful and pure bliss would be eating nuts all day long. Do you suppose my body is trying to tell me something?

I am not the best woman at caring for pets and children, and as such I don’t have either.Β Heck we even live in a condo so that we don’t have to take care of a yard, mow the lawn, or shovel snow in the winter.

My first step towards learning to care for something was to buy a plant a few years ago. Amazingly enough it is still alive.

Donloree plant

A fun looking plant that makes me appear responsible, how can I not love this thing?

I am actually shocked that it is still alive. Sometimes I forget it even exists for months. For all of December it lived in a dark corner of my office so the Christmas tree could have the place of honor in the living room.

From far away it looks like a happy, healthy, and thriving plant. But when you take a closer look, it’s not so happy.

Donloree plant

Uh oh...what are those brown leaves doing in there?!

Upon closer inspection it looks like its actually starting to die just a wee bit.

dead plant donloree

Yellow leaves, dead branches, and basically no soil to grow in...

Actually a lot. If you offered my $500 to tell you the last time I watered this plant I would not be $500 richer.

Why water it? Its fine…right?

It is not fine, nor am I. With my whole heart I want to be the healthiest Donloree possible and what I am doing right now isn’t working.Β Mark was kind and brave enough to stage an invention with me yesterday while he semi-force fed me a banana. I finally realized that I don’t know when the last time I watered ME was.

So it’s time to get watering!

I swear I heard the plant whisper 'thank you' in a very parched voice.

I emailed Joe a very lengthy and blathering novel about my insecurities, woes, feeling, and proposed plan. He 100% agreed with the need for a big change. I have a sense that he was so thankful to get this email from me, thankful that I have finally come to my senses!

Watering….what does that look like for me?

  • Eat whatever my body is craving, but keep it clean
  • No set macros
  • Keep track of food, but just for a reference point
  • Weigh in, but just write the number down
  • More rest days
  • Less cardio, more focus on lifting
  • Give myself grace
  • Learn to listen to my body instead of just disciplining it
  • Laugh

I want to be a fabulous Donloree 5, 10, 20 ,40, and 60 years from now. There will always be competitions, but there is only one Donloree! There is no reason to render her irreparable…

Besides, I just found my back and I want to fill it up with fabulous muscles.

Donloree back

I think I am finally going to be able to fly!!!

I need lots of clean food to make them grow.

It’s time to bring on the nut butter!

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Comments

  1. I’m kinda relieved to read this post, Donloree. I was beginning to worry about you. Your proposed changes sound like positive ones. Good luck!

  2. SO GLAD to hear this. You’ve worked so hard and have amazing discipline. It’s time for you to start reaping as many of the benefits of that as possible. By the way – have you ever seen/read The 4-Hour Body (by Tim Ferris)? I’m totally curious what your take on it would be. πŸ˜‰

  3. Especially the muscle building parts. πŸ˜‰

  4. One of the privileges of being thin and healthy is to enjoy yourself. What I mean by that is not to treat yourself badly like eating like a pig or drinking alcohol. But to really grow once you lost weight and got yourself where you want to be.

    It took me 2 1/2 years after losing my weight to come to this point. Free from logging my food, free from the scale yelling at me, but to accept what it shows and know why its showing that number. To eat what I want and not self-sabotage myself. Its truly a wonderful thing once achieved. You’ll love it. πŸ™‚

    • bikiniorbust says:

      Exactly. You stated it in such a fabulous way. I don’t want to eat donuts, cake, chips, and chocolate I just want to eat more healthy food. πŸ™‚ I am so excited to treat my body better. Today I am on the hunt for some blackberries to put in yogurt! Mmmm!

  5. michelle says:

    I am thrilled to see this. I think this is the missing link for you. Your body will be happy!!!!

  6. I’m so super proud of you! This is it, your time. You deserve to feed your body with the nutrients it wants and take care of yourself in a way that will make you happy.

  7. The words that come to mind as I read your post:
    Permission.
    Relief.
    Surrender.
    Nurture.
    Nourish.

    Will you blog about how this new nutrition process unfolds for you (please!)?. I think it will be fascinating.

    • bikiniorbust says:

      All those words come to me too. I will definitely be blogging about all of this. It is very interesting and I am only on day two!

  8. You go girl! Sometimes change is just inevitable, so it’s a good thing you’re optimistic about it! The most important thing is being healthy πŸ™‚

  9. DL!! I was so happy to hear on Twitter how happy you were with this change. I think this is going to be just what you need for mind, body and spirit. You go girl, excited to see how things evolve from here. love you xoxo

  10. Donloree! Sooooo happy to read this post! I’m sure your body will thank you a million times over. And your mind as well! It’s going to be quite an experience for you! Can’t wait to hear all about it. Just make sure you don’t do a headplant into the nut butters!!! That could be hazardous! ENJOY!!!

    • bikiniorbust says:

      I totally head planted into the but butter yesterday! hah! But it was a fabulous head plant. πŸ™‚

  11. jeanette says:

    Donloree – You are a great coach with great coaches. Happy to hear that they are happy with your decision too. Time to heal…body, mind and soul.

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