An Evil Donloree Lurks In My Kitchen

Its late at night and way past my bedtime. I am exhausted and should be in bed but I find myself ‘window shopping‘ in my kitchen. I tell myself that I am not going to eat anything, I’m just ‘looking‘.

Suddenly the Evil Donloree that lurks in my kitchen appears and points out the Kraft peanut butter that belongs to my husband.

Evil Donloree – Hey you. Yes, you over there. I see you’re browsing the pantry. See anything you like?

Me – Nope. I should really get to bed.

Evil Donloree – You’re right. You’re tired and need your rest…what a smart and capable woman you are. Before you go count sheep, I just wanted to draw your attention to the Costco sized jar of peanut butter that you bought for Jon.

Me – Yeah…I already saw that. I know all about it; after all I’m the one that bought it.

Evil Donloree – Right again. But have you tasted it lately? I know you think it tastes bad, but do you actually know how bad it tastes? I think you should remember how bad it tastes so that you don’t eat it EVER again.

Me – (grabbing a spoon and unscrewing the huge lid at the same time) Good idea. YES. I should have a small bite just to remember. I do need to keep up on the foods that taste bad so that I am not tempted by them.

Evil Donloree – Exactly. You are brilliant.

Me – (around a rather LARGE ‘taste’) Yeah…its processed, greasy, and not good tasting. You are right.

Evil Donloree– And what else?

Me – (with another spoonful in my mouth) It’s well…I know…call me crazy, but suddenly VERY tasty!

I find myself alone in the kitchen armpit deep in a jar of processed peanut butter with feelings of self loathing crowding in on me. A Costco sized jar of peanut butter in one hand and self hatred in the other.

Why was I window shopping in the first place? What was I looking for that lead me to crack open the jar of peanut butter and eat several large spoonfuls in a matter of seconds?

I’ve mentioned this before…I am a recovering emotional eater.

Was I happy? Tired? Angry? Sad? Glad?

I lied to myself and decided that I was just starving and ‘needed‘ the extra food. Just in case you’re wondering, no one needs three epic spoonfuls of processed peanut butter at 11:00 pm

Turns out I am sad. Really sad.

I didn’t want to face it, so I looked the other way and covered it up with more peanut butter than any woman should eat in one day.

Today was supposed to be day one of peak week for me, but I am nowhere near ready to compete. I had to pull the plug on competing while I get this Hashimoto ridiculousness under control. So my dream is delayed and I am sad.

I am watching all the gorgeous and amazing Bikini or Bust women compete and my heart sings with joy for them. I am so proud, happy, and amazed by them, but a small part of me deep inside my heart is really, really sad.

I was supposed to be on that stage with them.

My suit is gathering dust and I have officially gained as much weight as Joe will let me gain. So not only am I NOT competing next weekend, I am literally on the verge of tipping the scales.

Donloree's Figure Competition Suit

Hidden away in a box, not to be worn for at least another 6 months...

At least now I know what is going on. I don’t have to eat scads of peanut butter to cover up my feelings. And if I find myself window shopping in the kitchen again, I have created a defence mechanism.

Donloree Peanut Butter

Even if I took my glasses off I couldn't the epic pink note.

Knowing that I am an emotional eater is great. When I find myself armpit deep in a jar of nut butter I know something is very, very, very wrong and I can look around in my heart to see what it is.

Turns out I was in fact starving, but not for food.

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Comments

  1. Just remember you’ve put your dream on hold TEMPORARILY…you’re not giving it up!!!

    *hugs*

    T.

  2. My heart is going out to you! You have big dreams and goals, and maybe this week is just a particular reminder of them. But they’re not going anywhere, those dreams of yours! The timeline for the next mid-point check (i.e. competition) has just shifted. And this is a life journey of fitness and health we’re all on – there will be many goals and challenges along the way, I’m sure. You’re an amazing woman who has inspired so many of us. Today, of all days, I want to thank you for that. xo

    • bikiniorbust says:

      Thank you Susan. I am so glad that we have gotten to know each other through this crazy world of muscles, stripper shoes, and bedazzled suits.

  3. ironmom says:

    Hi Donloree,

    I must have the same evil twin:) I am beginning to pre-assess my emotional state when I know I am not hungry. I have just responded to the “hunger” impulses without thinking many times, often with “good, clean foods”. (btw, you can still get fat on them)

    Another technique I am working on is fast forwarding how I would feel IF I did give in. I know I would regret it and I should respond based on that end result.
    I have to remember to pull out those techniques when that evil twin rears her ugly head. It takes practice. I am practicing so that it becomes a habit.

    Thanks for sharing your mental journey by letting us in your head. You speak for so many of us out there. You are great at expressing your thoughts and give us a mirror into our own heads.

    We are with you on that journey. Thanks so much.

  4. Hey Donloree!
    I go through this sometimes too. I’ve found it sometimes works to play my own devil’s advocate and change the questions. I ask myself “what will I get out of eating this?” if the answer is “satiety” then I ask “am I really hungry?” and if yes, then it doesn’t take 3 spoonfulls. if “no” it doesn’t take any spoonfulls at all, and I can peacefully go back to bed.

    if the original answer is “happiness” then I ask myself “will I really feel happy when I feel guilty afterwards, like the last time this happened?”

    if the original answer is “a reminder of flavor” then I tell myself, well if I REALLY need that reminder, then it’ll be there tomorrow, too. then the next day I tell myself it’ll be there the day after. I play the game with myself that I’ll do it tomorrow, just as if I’m putting off something I don’t want to do.

    good luck, and I hope the people around you can show you that your goals are worth achieving, obstacles are tough, but self-sabotage doesn’t make those obstacles go away, it just makes new ones! be nice to yourself and make it as easy on yourself as you can, not harder!

    : )

    • bikiniorbust says:

      Ooh, I love this! The procrastinating binge eater. YES! I will be lazy with my self indulgences. Thanks Diana, this is awesome.

  5. I think your evil twin comes to my house at night (different time zones, it’s possible!) and talks to me that way. But she encourages me way worse and I usually agree and we high five after it’s all done. Damn it!!!

    Hang in there gorgeous, I look up to you. A lot.

    • bikiniorbust says:

      I will banish our evil twin to the dumpster behind my condo and then sit on top the lid for us! Thanks lady, you mean a ton to me. 🙂

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