Emotional Dessert

I am an recovering emotional eater.

Food is more than just fuel for my body, it is also love, joy, anger, frustration, celebration, boredom, comfort, control, and many other things….too many other things!

Feelings used to be eaten without blinking an eye. Through my journey of becoming a Figure Competitor I have learned about myself and my love affair with food.

It isn’t pretty.

I am finally in a place where food doesn’t control me. When I indulge or binge I know full well what I am doing.

When faced with a ‘treat‘ its no longer hard to say no.

cake tasting

Mondo piece of fattening cake? ‘Ummm…no thank you.’

I know better than to have it and I actually don’t want it. Just thinking about it makes me cringe because I know what it will do to me. I’m to the point where I don’t want a bite, nibble, or lick.

Its the so called ‘healthy‘ indulgences that trip me up.

  • Nuts
  • Fruit
  • Whole grains (gluten free)
  • Rice cakes
  • ‘Health’ bars (DL made)
  • Dried fruit (no sugar)

I can eat all of these things, but in small amounts. Just because it is ‘good‘ it doesn’t mean I should eat half a jar of nut butter in one sitting, have 5 apples a day, or snack on a ‘health‘ bar in between meals because I am feeling sad or lonely.

Even when I eat them in small amounts I have to be cognizant of the amount that I choose and not let myself have more.

The tiniest amount of more, even an eensy, weensy bit, results in an avalanche of overindulgence. Time pauses and for a single moment in time I feel like I am in control. I feel satisfied. I feel empowered.

Unfortunately those feelings are fleeting and in it’s wake an emotionally distraught women with even more demons to battle is left behind.

I am learning the triggers with food.

Why can’t I learn this with what I tell myself?

Mondo diatribe about how I am horrible and there is nothing good about me? ‘Ummm…no thank you.

I know better than than to chastise and berate myself now. I have no desire to go there anymore, not even a little bit.

Its the so called ‘healthy‘ indulgences that trip me up.

  • Realism
  • Caution
  • Critique
  • Comparison

I definitely need these in small amounts to be healthy, but I just need a bit of  them. When I start to overindulge in these thoughts depression, self loathing, fear, an extreme lack of self confidence, and a hoarding mentality sets in quicker than you can say ‘Figure Competitor‘!

Vegetables and positive thinking are two things you can’t seem to go overboard on. Somehow your body just knows when you’ve had enough of both. When you’re full of them you sit back satisfied and happy; not bloated and discouraged.

What thoughts do you choose to binge on?

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  1. Krissy Jake-Smith says

    Beautiful. Well stated. I believe in you. You are a treasure!

    • bikiniorbust says

      Thank you Krista. I believe in you too!! And there is no doubt in my mind or heart what a treasure you are. 🙂

  2. Fantastic post. Amazing that you’re learning to have small amounts of good things you like. I’m still learning to shed that “last supper’ mentality around certain foods. It’s odd, though, that mentality only emerged for me when I started to get really fit and watch my nutrition closely. Like the more restrictive I was, the more appealling certain foods became. Never thought twice about all this stuff until about two years ago!!

  3. To be able to say no to treats is a good thing. Feels good to have a bit of self control like that. Myself, I feel like I go thru phases where I can do that, and sometimes it’s just really, really hard! Good post!!

  4. Thanks DL! I’m in the same boat and , I’m working my way towards the point you’re at now; I see myself in everything you just described. It’s hard. And taking off from what Susan said, the more fit I become I’m looking forward to less desire to indulge.


    • bikiniorbust says

      What I have come to realize is that we aren’t just getting fit in our bodies, we are getting fit in our minds. Our minds are being strengthened through all of this too. Rather amazing actually.

  5. Great, great, great post. You are my hero. I still have issues with food but I’m learning slowly and I like myself fit and svelt.

    • bikiniorbust says

      Yes! I like myself and being fit and svelt MORE than the food, but not always in the moment. So crazy!!!

  6. I’m just beginning to learn about my addiction with food. Unfortunately I’m not a robot and it’s not yet “just fuel” for me. I am doing a lot of learning and a lot of self discovery each day as I am able to walk past my favorite easter jelly beans in stores, not have a lick of my boyfriends’ ice cream and not walk into my kitchen and have a delicious protein bar that calls me by name. i however can tell you that i absolutely cannot wait until April 30th at about 6pm when I find the nearest bakery and choose about 4 different selections and take bites of each. I wonder though.. will I still feel guilt after?

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