Even though I am a woman I was never sure why we went in groups; so one day I broke the rule and went alone.

My best friend Nancy and I were out shopping at our favorite store looking for high-end jeans and designer shoes on clearance.  We grabbed a latte to sustain us during our intensive shopping and started combing the racks for fabulous deals.

Halfway through the jeans section my very efficient kidneys got to work on my partially finished latte. I looked up and Nancy was nowhere in sight.  Due to the conditioning of going to the bathroom as a group, I searched the perimeter of the store to see if she wanted to come along to the bathroom.  I couldn’t find her and my kidneys were hard at work.

I went to the bathroom alone.

Exiting the stall, I grabbed my latte and tried to unlatch the door.  It would not open.  I put the latte down and used both hands and all my might, but the door remained firmly locked.  I pushed, pounded, jiggled, and shook the door, yet I remained in the bathroom stall…all alone.

Bewildered as what to do next, I sat down and waited for an unsuspecting woman to use the stall without toilet paper.  I devised a plan that was dependent on the woman not checking the paper supply.

Women in Paperless Stall – Oh my!  There seems to be no toilet paper in here.
DL – Oh boy!  That’s not good!  Do you want me to pass you some toilet paper?
WiPS – Yes please.  That would be splendid.
DL – OK.  One condition though.
WiPS – Conditional toilet paper?
DL – Yes.  I am stuck in here and require a Phillips screwdriver to remove the door of the stall.  I will give you toilet paper if you promise to come back with the necessary tools to free me from this stall.
WiPS – Ummm…OK….

I waited patiently for 20 minutes, yet no one came.

I tried using a dime to remove the door from the stall to no avail.

I was reduced to yelling for help.

Still no one came.

My latte was finished as well as my patience.  I took matters into my own hands.  There were only 2 options of escape; over or under.  Taking into account my tendency to fall over and near death experiences, I chose under.  Taking a deep breath and an assessment of the public bathroom floor’s lack of cleanliness, I dropped to the ground, shoved my purse out ahead of me, and started the task of birthing myself out of the stall.

Halfway through my escape I heard the creak of the door open to reveal a very shocked woman looking down at me.

After 25 minutes of being locked in a public bathroom stall I merely continued emerging from my bathroom prison, stood up, and gathered as much dignity as possible while brushing about a week’s worth of bathroom grime off my chest.

My explanation of, “Umm…Hello…I was locked in…” didn’t help to wipe the look of complete confusion and amazement off the woman’s face.

I was so happy to be free that I just continued to brush off the grime that accumulated on my body during my escape, washed my hands, and went in search of an employee to let them know they were down one stall in the ladies room.

Now I know why women go to the bathroom in groups.  You never know when you need someone to watch your latte or go in search of power tools to free you from a bathroom stall.

I learned my lesson the hard way and haven’t gone alone since.

What are you hoping for?  That we suddenly notice you and run over to you and abandon everything at that moment?

Hate to burst your bubble.  It’s never going to happen.

What usually happens is we get startled, then we look around to see what is causing the commotion, seeing no commotion we think our purse is spilling its contents all over the street, then we realize you’re being an idiot and we roll our eyes.

The best you’re going to get is an eye roll, is that what you hoped for?  If so, consider yourself successful.

1.  Getting extensive help from a tradesman on home renovations. 
If a man goes into a place like Home Depot to ask questions about how to install a toilet, he will most likely receive a ‘harrumph!’ and only be pointed towards the plumbing aisle. 

If a woman goes in alone to ask such questions, either dressed to kill in a power suit or covered in paint while wearing oversized coveralls, all her questions are answered in detail.  And then the toilet is carried out to her car for her without her requesting the service.

2.  Lifting only light things while helping friends move. 
To achieve this, a woman merely has to say, “I’m just a girl.  I can’t lift that heavy couch!  I’ll take the pillows though.”  Men immediately feel remorseful for nearly putting a woman in harm’s way; which results in the women only have to move the fake plants, picture frames, and bedding out of the house.  It’s win-win.  Right?

3.  Going to the washroom with a group of friends. 
It is 100% acceptable for a whole group of women to go to the washroom together, even if there is only one stall.  They get to chat in line, ensure everyone still looks ok, and gossip about the men in the group without them ever knowing about it.  Society forces men to go alone and not have someone there to tell him about the toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

If I man said, “Hey Joe, Fred, and James – want to go to the washroom with me?”, he would  no longer be friends with Joe, Fred, and James.

4.  Playing dumb to get a man to do something for you. 
All women have this ability and men continually fall for it.  When a woman’s tire goes flat on the side of the road, she could heft out the tire iron and get to work, but why?  A more than happy to help man will stop do it for you if you simply act confused.

This doesn’t work for men.  Can you imagine what the response would be if a man threw his arms up in abandon and giggled while fumbling with a tire iron?  I am sure the response would be something like, “What the *$&#! is your problem man?  Get a grip.”  Then the helpful man would drive off in a rush only to leave the confused man with a flat tire on the side of the road.

5.   Chocolate, glass of wine, and shopping with good friends fix most anything. 
Women can have most of their life problems fixed by eating some good chocolate, sipping a great glass or wine, or going shoe shopping with their best girlfriends.  Not a darn thing was done to fix anything, but some how the problem is way less of an issue. 

Men’s problems are never solved by a heartfelt talk while purchasing a gorgeous stiletto heel.

So maybe women have to shave their legs, can’t have grey hair, have to stay fit, and may need Botox to get rid of their crow’s feet; but they have a lot going for them that men don’t.  Just don’t tell the men!

1. Grey hair. On men it’s distinguished and attractive. For a woman this is a death sentence of her youth and it makes her look haggard. Hair dye is required immediately.
2. Not shaving. Most men are attractive when they forget to shave. It gives them a rough, somewhat sexy appeal…but if woman forgets to shave her legs or armpits people whisper behind their hands in shock. There is nothing sexy about it at all
3. Wrinkles. Women = crow’s feet. Men = laugh lines. What? Can’t women laugh too?
4. Gaining 10 pounds. Need I say more?
5. Loosening of the pants. No woman is allowed to lean back after a large meal, undo the top button of her pants, let her gut hang out, and announce how full she is. She has to suffer in silence while her pants cut her blood supply off at the waist.

So what’s the deal?

All I know is that I have LAUGH LINES. And don’t you forget it!

Until last night, I thought that men never did such things.

When a man records a sporting event on TV to watch later, the last thing he wants to know is the score. Jon is an avid Roughrider fan, and I am more of benchwarmer. We were gone all day yesterday so he PVR’ed the game to watch that evening.

I was online catching up on emails and whatnot and asked him to look at something. Then I quickly yelled, “NO! Don’t look! And don’t look on the internet either, you might find out the score!”

In a matter of 2 seconds, he looked extremely disappointed and asked if I knew what the score was. And then he said, “Do you know who wins? Please just lie to me. I don’t want to know.”

This made me burst out into gales of laughter. I didn’t see anything about the game, I was just trying to be a supportive wife!

I suppose the main difference between men and women is that men freely admit their need to be lied to and women rarely do.