Even though I am a woman I was never sure why we went in groups; so one day I broke the rule and went alone.

My best friend Nancy and I were out shopping at our favorite store looking for high-end jeans and designer shoes on clearance.  We grabbed a latte to sustain us during our intensive shopping and started combing the racks for fabulous deals.

Halfway through the jeans section my very efficient kidneys got to work on my partially finished latte. I looked up and Nancy was nowhere in sight.  Due to the conditioning of going to the bathroom as a group, I searched the perimeter of the store to see if she wanted to come along to the bathroom.  I couldn’t find her and my kidneys were hard at work.

I went to the bathroom alone.

Exiting the stall, I grabbed my latte and tried to unlatch the door.  It would not open.  I put the latte down and used both hands and all my might, but the door remained firmly locked.  I pushed, pounded, jiggled, and shook the door, yet I remained in the bathroom stall…all alone.

Bewildered as what to do next, I sat down and waited for an unsuspecting woman to use the stall without toilet paper.  I devised a plan that was dependent on the woman not checking the paper supply.

Women in Paperless Stall – Oh my!  There seems to be no toilet paper in here.
DL – Oh boy!  That’s not good!  Do you want me to pass you some toilet paper?
WiPS – Yes please.  That would be splendid.
DL – OK.  One condition though.
WiPS – Conditional toilet paper?
DL – Yes.  I am stuck in here and require a Phillips screwdriver to remove the door of the stall.  I will give you toilet paper if you promise to come back with the necessary tools to free me from this stall.
WiPS – Ummm…OK….

I waited patiently for 20 minutes, yet no one came.

I tried using a dime to remove the door from the stall to no avail.

I was reduced to yelling for help.

Still no one came.

My latte was finished as well as my patience.  I took matters into my own hands.  There were only 2 options of escape; over or under.  Taking into account my tendency to fall over and near death experiences, I chose under.  Taking a deep breath and an assessment of the public bathroom floor’s lack of cleanliness, I dropped to the ground, shoved my purse out ahead of me, and started the task of birthing myself out of the stall.

Halfway through my escape I heard the creak of the door open to reveal a very shocked woman looking down at me.

After 25 minutes of being locked in a public bathroom stall I merely continued emerging from my bathroom prison, stood up, and gathered as much dignity as possible while brushing about a week’s worth of bathroom grime off my chest.

My explanation of, “Umm…Hello…I was locked in…” didn’t help to wipe the look of complete confusion and amazement off the woman’s face.

I was so happy to be free that I just continued to brush off the grime that accumulated on my body during my escape, washed my hands, and went in search of an employee to let them know they were down one stall in the ladies room.

Now I know why women go to the bathroom in groups.  You never know when you need someone to watch your latte or go in search of power tools to free you from a bathroom stall.

I learned my lesson the hard way and haven’t gone alone since.

What are you hoping for?  That we suddenly notice you and run over to you and abandon everything at that moment?

Hate to burst your bubble.  It’s never going to happen.

What usually happens is we get startled, then we look around to see what is causing the commotion, seeing no commotion we think our purse is spilling its contents all over the street, then we realize you’re being an idiot and we roll our eyes.

The best you’re going to get is an eye roll, is that what you hoped for?  If so, consider yourself successful.

1. Grey hair. On men it’s distinguished and attractive. For a woman this is a death sentence of her youth and it makes her look haggard. Hair dye is required immediately.
2. Not shaving. Most men are attractive when they forget to shave. It gives them a rough, somewhat sexy appeal…but if woman forgets to shave her legs or armpits people whisper behind their hands in shock. There is nothing sexy about it at all
3. Wrinkles. Women = crow’s feet. Men = laugh lines. What? Can’t women laugh too?
4. Gaining 10 pounds. Need I say more?
5. Loosening of the pants. No woman is allowed to lean back after a large meal, undo the top button of her pants, let her gut hang out, and announce how full she is. She has to suffer in silence while her pants cut her blood supply off at the waist.

So what’s the deal?

All I know is that I have LAUGH LINES. And don’t you forget it!

While talking to a woman, don’t comment on her size – big or small.  Keep it to yourself.

Petite women don’t want to hear things like:

• You’re sooooo CUTE! And little.  Tiny actually.
• You’re how old?  28?  I thought you were 15 because of how small you are.
• Wow!  You’re SO TINY!  I nearly didn’t see you all the way down there.

While listening to these kinds of comments the petite woman can only fume as you’ve just made her into an inconsequential child when she just wants to be taken seriously as a woman.

I’m anything but petite and have been told this very thing time and time again.  I am merely 5’8”, but wear heels that make me up to 6 feet tall on any given day.

From my personal experience non-petite women don’t want to hear things like:

• Wow.  You’re a large woman.
• Where are you from?  The Nordic countries?  All their women are robust like you.
• Can you help me move this?  Looks like you have no problem carrying things with the size of those shoulders.

Ok, so I’m not the typical woman.  But I’m not Attila the Hun either!  I may have been built to work the farm, but it doesn’t mean people should comment on it.

My favorite happened just the other week.

You’re big for a woman, but you carry it well. Then the comment was punctuated by a big slap on the left shoulder.

If you can’t keep your thoughts on the stature of the woman you’re talking with to yourself, make sure to use words like slender, vivacious, and lovely.  If you think you’re about to say something derogatory, please remove yourself from the conversation before you maim her with your observations.

And if you see this woman,

This woman does not want to be described as large or big, thank you very much!

please refrain from telling her she’s large.

Until last night, I thought that men never did such things.

When a man records a sporting event on TV to watch later, the last thing he wants to know is the score. Jon is an avid Roughrider fan, and I am more of benchwarmer. We were gone all day yesterday so he PVR’ed the game to watch that evening.

I was online catching up on emails and whatnot and asked him to look at something. Then I quickly yelled, “NO! Don’t look! And don’t look on the internet either, you might find out the score!”

In a matter of 2 seconds, he looked extremely disappointed and asked if I knew what the score was. And then he said, “Do you know who wins? Please just lie to me. I don’t want to know.”

This made me burst out into gales of laughter. I didn’t see anything about the game, I was just trying to be a supportive wife!

I suppose the main difference between men and women is that men freely admit their need to be lied to and women rarely do.