1.  Getting extensive help from a tradesman on home renovations. 
If a man goes into a place like Home Depot to ask questions about how to install a toilet, he will most likely receive a ‘harrumph!’ and only be pointed towards the plumbing aisle. 

If a woman goes in alone to ask such questions, either dressed to kill in a power suit or covered in paint while wearing oversized coveralls, all her questions are answered in detail.  And then the toilet is carried out to her car for her without her requesting the service.

2.  Lifting only light things while helping friends move. 
To achieve this, a woman merely has to say, “I’m just a girl.  I can’t lift that heavy couch!  I’ll take the pillows though.”  Men immediately feel remorseful for nearly putting a woman in harm’s way; which results in the women only have to move the fake plants, picture frames, and bedding out of the house.  It’s win-win.  Right?

3.  Going to the washroom with a group of friends. 
It is 100% acceptable for a whole group of women to go to the washroom together, even if there is only one stall.  They get to chat in line, ensure everyone still looks ok, and gossip about the men in the group without them ever knowing about it.  Society forces men to go alone and not have someone there to tell him about the toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

If I man said, “Hey Joe, Fred, and James – want to go to the washroom with me?”, he would  no longer be friends with Joe, Fred, and James.

4.  Playing dumb to get a man to do something for you. 
All women have this ability and men continually fall for it.  When a woman’s tire goes flat on the side of the road, she could heft out the tire iron and get to work, but why?  A more than happy to help man will stop do it for you if you simply act confused.

This doesn’t work for men.  Can you imagine what the response would be if a man threw his arms up in abandon and giggled while fumbling with a tire iron?  I am sure the response would be something like, “What the *$&#! is your problem man?  Get a grip.”  Then the helpful man would drive off in a rush only to leave the confused man with a flat tire on the side of the road.

5.   Chocolate, glass of wine, and shopping with good friends fix most anything. 
Women can have most of their life problems fixed by eating some good chocolate, sipping a great glass or wine, or going shoe shopping with their best girlfriends.  Not a darn thing was done to fix anything, but some how the problem is way less of an issue. 

Men’s problems are never solved by a heartfelt talk while purchasing a gorgeous stiletto heel.

So maybe women have to shave their legs, can’t have grey hair, have to stay fit, and may need Botox to get rid of their crow’s feet; but they have a lot going for them that men don’t.  Just don’t tell the men!

Lately, I am totally irresponsible.  I’m not doing crazy things likes shopping for shoes every day or anything.  I am merely a night owl.  At about 8:00 I find myself getting sleepy, and then at about 8:15 I get a huge burst of energy.

This is when I clean the house, write proposals, catch up on email, knit a sweater, tile my kitchen, install a toilet, or bake large quantities of brownies to eat that evening.  I find myself wide awake and coming up with amazing ideas, only to find it’s 1 am.

So I go to bed.  And lay there thinking about my latest great idea, wondering why I am still awake and if the alarm clock will understand I don’t actually hate it when I hit it for the 15^th snooze when it rings in 4 hours.

Night Owl-itis is a vicious cycle to get in.  I see no end in sight as I am merely starting up for the evening.  Pan of brownies anyone?

HELP!

For some reason the Spring Cleaning Bug hit me this fall. I decided to go through my closet with a vengeance and get rid of the many, many clothes that fill up my closet and are way too big for me.

Whenever I bring home new clothes, I see a look of confusion cross my husband’s face. He never says anything, but his face clearly says, “What the heck? All your clothes don’t even fit in your closet, why the world do you need ANOTHER <whatever it is I just purchased>.”

I have kept clothes that are way too big and that I will never wear again for YEARS. As I pulled out all the clothes and sifted through them, moments of time walked in front of me and things I had forgotten about quickly came to mind.

I cannot scrapbook without sprouting grey hair, so perhaps my closet was my scrapbook.

I found old coats with pockets full of grocery lists, movie tickets, blistex, receipts, and random notes.

A pile of memories from coats past

It seems this pocket was from 2003. The winter that Nancy and I nearly died from frostbite in the Death Trap while trying to register for a stained glass class. This receipt is proof that we registered, and lived to tell about it

Stained Glass Class City Arts Centre Receipt. Proof that Nancy and I lived through the arctic adventure of registering for the class.

It also appears that I was apprehensive about asparagus in 2003.

Grocery List from 6 years ago - apparently asparagus was questionable back then...

As I dug through the clothes, I found a cache of McDonald’s shirts. Memories of competing and winning Gold in the grill competition in the All American Games popped up. I will never forget managing the store while wearing a polyester grey skirt, a purple button down shirt, orthopedic shoes, nylons, and a super sexy tie. Who says being 18 isn’t awkward?

McDonalds - they sure knew how to dress a girl!

My sweatshirt from my senior year of high school was mixed in with the McDonalds’ outfits. Suddenly, it was as though I was in Civics class with Mr. Hodus discussing Bill Clinton’s indiscretions and trying to wake up, as it was only 7 am.

Rogers HS Senior Class of 1998.

Deeper into the pile of unknown, I found my NABC sweatshirts. Someone convinced me to purchase an x-large one my first year. I was a chunky girl back then, but even still it was big on me.

3 of the same sweatshirt - just different colors. Overkill anyone?

There's enough room in here for two of me!

Nobody needs 3 of the same large letter sweatshirts – even if it gets down to -40 where you live.

Then I went for the large, hanging garment bag. The bag with the old bridesmaids dresses from my larger years. I have had these dresses for 10 years, and don’t really know why. So I put them all on to see how ridiculous they all looked on me now.

As I wore each dress, memories of the days wafted into my mind.

I was with Mandy as she married Tim on a crisp, clear winter day. Perhaps the sweetest brides I have ever seen.

Navy blue satin from 10 years ago - a sweet, winter day

A flurry of activity and stress to replace fuchsia flowers from my sister’s bouquet so there was no clashing in the pictures jumped into my mind. Panic became relief when Jody came to the rescue. My sister was gorgeous that day with her burgundy roses.

Memories of my sister looking gorgeous

Walking down the isle at Cara’s wedding in bare feet to watch her dreams come true as she married her best friend will not be easily forgotten.

The day Cara married her best friend

The dresses look absolutely horrible, but the memories are beautiful.

I bagged up all the clothes, the 16 years of memories that I couldn’t part with until yesterday, and put them at the door.

Old clothes out the door, but the memories will stay

I don’t need to keep the clothes to remember anymore. Now I have room in my closet for all the clothes that actually fit and new memories. Best of all, now I have a good reason to go out and purchase some new clothes!

The woman that owned the condo previous to me had…interesting….taste. I had to rid myself of the pre-existing living room colors of navy, bright red, tangerine and lemon yellow. It kind of looked like the circus exploded, and that really wasn’t the look I was going for. She also thought the master bedroom would be good lime and navy and that the spare room would be lovely painted purple. It hurt my head. So I painted, and painted and then painted some more – thank goodness I have so many great friends that came to my rescue.

Once I could stand in the living room and not expect Bobo the Clown to come traipsing through, I started on other projects like replacing the plastic (yes, I said plastic) bathroom sinks. Who the heck has plastic sinks? My uncle came over and helped me replace two of the three sinks, the third sink had a huge bow in it, so back to Home Depot it went. While at Home Depot, I decided to pick up a pipe wrench and the other necessary tools so I could replace the third sink all by myself. So I went in search of a customer service person to help me pick out the best pipe wrench possible. I found a short man in the plumbing section and asked for help, it went something like this:

DL: “Hello, I am looking for a pipe wrench, can you tell me where they are?”
Short Home Depot Man: “Uh…you don’t need a pipe wrench.”
DL: “Yup, I sure do. I am replacing a sink.”
Short Home Depot Man: “You’re replacing a sink.”
DL: “YES. Where are the pipe wrenches?”
Short Home Depot Man: “What kind of a sink?”
DL: “A bathroom sink.”
Short Home Depot Man: “Oh, you need a basin wrench.”
DL: “Fine, basin wrench, pipe wrench, the tool for the job – just point me in the direction of the wrenches.”
Short Home Depot Man: “Uh…I will walk you there.”
DL: Upon arrival at the wrench section I exclaimed happily, “Yup! That’s the one I need,” pointing at a pipe wrench.
Short Home Depot Man: “Nope, you need this,” (pointing to crappy looking wrench).
DL: “Uh…no. I have to disconnect the pipe at the bottom of the sink, you can’t do that with that wrench.”
Short Home Depot Man: “I don’t know what the man that is putting this in for you told you, but you don’t need a pipe wrench.”
DL: “Well, first of all I am the one putting the sink in and I do know that I need a pipe wrench.”
Short Home Depot Man: “No, you need this.”

After arguing for quite a long time about the fact that I was indeed the person that was going to be replacing the sink, he insisted on having me draw a diagram of the sink. I then had to explain how to take out and replace the sink.

Short Home Depot Man: “So, show me what you are going to do.”
DL: “Well, after I turn off the water, I am going to remove this pipe and these clamps and take out the sink. I have to tighten the pipes, here, here and here. That ‘basin wrench’ looks like it will break if I use it for that.”
Short Home Depot Man: “So you’re taking the whole sink out?”
DL: “YES! How else the heck am I going to replace the sink? I have to take it out to replace it, don’t I?”
Short Home Depot Man: “So you aren’t just changing the taps?”
DL: “No, the whole thing – the whole kit and caboodle is coming out and everything is going in new.”
Short Home Depot Man: “Oh. So you need a pipe wrench then…”

I about had an aneurysm at this point! Just because I am a girl, it doesn’t mean that I am silly! Just let me purchase what I asked for and send me on my way! For goodness sake!

The basement must have a cement floor – basement floors that are made of dirt and have a hole in the ground that could go all the way to China only hastily covered by a piece of plywood, are not acceptable. I draw the line there. They even had the laundry down there! What woman would go do laundry down there? As soon as I went down, I came right back up – it was a very, very scary place! I also need to be able to stand up straight in the ‘den’ found in the basement. I am not an extremely tall woman, and if I have to stoop over to change the channels on the TV down there, it doesn’t qualify as a room of any sort.

Railings for open staircases have to be taller than 2 feet. There’s nothing quite like climbing a set of rickety stairs and having to bend over to hold onto the railing. My one and half foot tall niece is that only one that would find this railing useful. If the master bedroom is a ‘loft’ there must be more than one small window in the ‘loft’, the staircase going up needs have less of an incline than Mount Everest and you shouldn’t arrive in the kitchen upon decent. Although, if you can make it down the stairs without falling it would be convenient for midnight snacking!

And no longer shall I be duped by realtor mumbo jumbo! For all of you looking for a home, here’s a translation of what they are really saying so you don’t waste your time looking at horrible homes:

Investor’s Special! – Dump your hard earned money here!
First time home buyer’s special – Cheap, poorly constructed and no one has ever taken care of it. Run while you can!
Cottage – Ridiculously small.
Quaint – Old and falling apart.
Handy man’s special – Everything on the inside is broken and needs replacing.
Lovely / Gorgeous – Has multi-colored mold growing behind the tub surround and in the basement.
Character home – This home will build your character…
Great rental property – We’ve been renting it out for years! Don’t fix it up and let some poor people that can’t afford to purchase their own home live here and deal with the chaos you may or may not choose to fix.
Newly painted on the inside – The outside of the house is rotting away and you have to replace the siding and roof the day after you move in.
Excellent Opportunity – For us, that is…ahem…not you the home buyer!
Fixer Upper – At least they are being honest. I almost want to go just to see how a fixer upper is different than a “Character home”. I appreciate that they aren’t being covert about how much the house is lacking.
Ready to move into – The previous homeowners were evicted and the house was condemned, but you could move in as soon as you dump 30k into updating it so that it can pass the health inspection.
Newer wiring and hot water tank – It was updated around 1940. It’s newer than the house, so I guess technically they’re not lying….
Look no further – This listing usually doesn’t have a photo available, and after you’ve looked you won’t look any further due to the depression about the state of the homes that you’ve looked at so far.