She has failed me in every way.

Even after giving birth, she still remains muffin top free.  If she had a muffin top and was confident about it, all women everywhere would be liberated.

Angelina, use your power for good to liberate the everyday woman!!

My faith in Angelina to champion the everyday woman was so great that I wasn’t overly concerned about my muffin top.  After all, I love being fashionable and was prepared with my muffin top when it came to be the next big thing in haute couture.

To be ready for Angelina’s show of daring, I didn’t worry about my random consumption of M&Ms, Doritos, white bread, pastries, and candy.  After all, I didn’t want to get sick trying to get the muffin top back when it became fashionable to have one.

The time has never come.  After 4 years of hoping, I now realize that it’s never going to happen.

No matter how much I go to the gym or try to rid myself of the muffin top, it goes everywhere with me.  There are things women can do to hide the muffin top, such as wear ‘foundational undergarments’ that are akin to a straight jacket.  Unfortunately, I think it’s important to be able to breathe and sit down without looking like you’ve pulled every muscle in your back so I opted against wearing them.

While thinking about how to overcome my metabolism that is slower than a slug’s, I had an epiphany.  I completed a good old-fashioned Google search and found professional help.  Tomorrow is my first appointment for personal training with a man that ‘helps you look good naked’.  I chose him because he’s the closest thing I could find for ‘Muffin Top Slayer’.

So I may be dead after tomorrow afternoon, but if Angelina isn’t going to come through for me I have to change my tactic.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.  SIGH.

1.  Getting extensive help from a tradesman on home renovations. 
If a man goes into a place like Home Depot to ask questions about how to install a toilet, he will most likely receive a ‘harrumph!’ and only be pointed towards the plumbing aisle. 

If a woman goes in alone to ask such questions, either dressed to kill in a power suit or covered in paint while wearing oversized coveralls, all her questions are answered in detail.  And then the toilet is carried out to her car for her without her requesting the service.

2.  Lifting only light things while helping friends move. 
To achieve this, a woman merely has to say, “I’m just a girl.  I can’t lift that heavy couch!  I’ll take the pillows though.”  Men immediately feel remorseful for nearly putting a woman in harm’s way; which results in the women only have to move the fake plants, picture frames, and bedding out of the house.  It’s win-win.  Right?

3.  Going to the washroom with a group of friends. 
It is 100% acceptable for a whole group of women to go to the washroom together, even if there is only one stall.  They get to chat in line, ensure everyone still looks ok, and gossip about the men in the group without them ever knowing about it.  Society forces men to go alone and not have someone there to tell him about the toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

If I man said, “Hey Joe, Fred, and James – want to go to the washroom with me?”, he would  no longer be friends with Joe, Fred, and James.

4.  Playing dumb to get a man to do something for you. 
All women have this ability and men continually fall for it.  When a woman’s tire goes flat on the side of the road, she could heft out the tire iron and get to work, but why?  A more than happy to help man will stop do it for you if you simply act confused.

This doesn’t work for men.  Can you imagine what the response would be if a man threw his arms up in abandon and giggled while fumbling with a tire iron?  I am sure the response would be something like, “What the *$&#! is your problem man?  Get a grip.”  Then the helpful man would drive off in a rush only to leave the confused man with a flat tire on the side of the road.

5.   Chocolate, glass of wine, and shopping with good friends fix most anything. 
Women can have most of their life problems fixed by eating some good chocolate, sipping a great glass or wine, or going shoe shopping with their best girlfriends.  Not a darn thing was done to fix anything, but some how the problem is way less of an issue. 

Men’s problems are never solved by a heartfelt talk while purchasing a gorgeous stiletto heel.

So maybe women have to shave their legs, can’t have grey hair, have to stay fit, and may need Botox to get rid of their crow’s feet; but they have a lot going for them that men don’t.  Just don’t tell the men!

For awhile I led a one woman campaign against the wearing of nylons by refusing to wear them, no matter how cold it was outside.  It could be -40 Celsius outside and I would still refuse to wear them.

Then some of my running women from the YMCA pointed me towards tights.  It’s the lesser of two evils, but still evil nonetheless.  To be fair to tights, they rarely run when you snag them and have a greater resistance to gravity, but I still hate them.

Why doesn’t society force men to wear hosiery under their clothing that sometimes goes up to their armpits and creates havoc on their whole day?

It’s just not fair.

Yesterday I broke down and wore tights with my cute Kenneth Cole dress and Jump red boots. The only reasons I opted for tights was because the dress is shorter than I usually wear to work and it’s winter up here in the arctic.

Boy, am I glad I decided to be a proper woman in society!

There I was walking downtown with one of my male co-workers; portfolio in one hand and a cup of hot, hot coffee in the other.  Suddenly a gust of wind picked up the hem of my cute Kenneth Cole dress and I became Marilyn Monroe for a moment.

I always thought it would be fun to have a Marilyn moment, but not when you’re working and don’t have the ability to keep the dress in place due to your hands being full.  If this happens, you become a screaming woman with a dress flying up in your face while squatting to the ground in an attempt to blend into the concrete. 

Just so you know, the screaming and squatting just makes it worse. 

As quickly as the wind came up, it died down.

I handed the coffee to my bemused co-worker, straightened my dress out, and asked that he carry the coffee to the car so that another ridiculous event didn’t happen.

I was just glad I was wearing black tights.  They made it a smidgen less awkward when the wind made an attempt to show off my fuchsia underwear. 

From this day forward, I won’t curse tights; I will wear them with thankfulness in my heart.

I can already hear you asking.  How can I be friends with an inanimate object?

Because it may just give me free shoes…gorgeous, gloriously free shoes.

I have the chance to design shoes with Jeffrey Campell and win lovely, suede, over the knee boots  from ShoeHunting just for giving my opinion.

And I am ALWAYS up for giving my opinion…who knew I could get free boots for doing so?

This may be my dream come true.

Knit or crochet swimsuits, especially bikinis.

I am a knitter, and am apt to buy yarn without a purpose just because it’s a one of a kind blend or hand dyed. I am not against fiber arts in the least. I just don’t think that knitting or crocheting this garment is a good idea. There are just WAY too many issues with it.

• Holes. Hand knit and crochet projects have HOLES in them. Perhaps there are women out there that wouldn’t mind the holes, but most women know exactly why the holes would be a problem.
• Water. Have you ever pulled a wet sweater out of the washing machine? If so, you know that it doesn’t keep its shape and stretches out quite quickly. A woman wearing such a swimsuit would have to avoid contact with water at all costs, a feat rarely accomplished while at the beach.
• Itch. Most garments made out of wool are known to be somewhat itchy. Why would a woman want to endure such itchiness? I suppose if the thing was knit out of an alpaca blend it could be ok. But then why spend all that money on a bathing suit that has holes and will stretch out if it gets wet?
• Sand. If you were to get sand in the fibers, how would you get it out? Just thinking about this is making my brow furrow. The amount of irritation that the swimsuit wearer would have to endure while wearing the suit…!
• Elasticity. I am just making an assumption here, but most women want their bathing suit to STAY ON. Sweaters aren’t known for their elasticity…so my question is, “How the heck are those things staying on?”
• Ridiculousness. This may be pretty obvious, but they look completely out of place on the beach with all the normal suits. It’s fine to make a fashion statement, just not this one.

I don’t mean to offend if you have a knit bikini, I just need to ask – How do you do it? I suppose if its never worn to the beach or to swim in, it would be fine.

Perhaps this is one of those ‘catwalk only‘ kind of outfits…

For some reason the Spring Cleaning Bug hit me this fall. I decided to go through my closet with a vengeance and get rid of the many, many clothes that fill up my closet and are way too big for me.

Whenever I bring home new clothes, I see a look of confusion cross my husband’s face. He never says anything, but his face clearly says, “What the heck? All your clothes don’t even fit in your closet, why the world do you need ANOTHER <whatever it is I just purchased>.”

I have kept clothes that are way too big and that I will never wear again for YEARS. As I pulled out all the clothes and sifted through them, moments of time walked in front of me and things I had forgotten about quickly came to mind.

I cannot scrapbook without sprouting grey hair, so perhaps my closet was my scrapbook.

I found old coats with pockets full of grocery lists, movie tickets, blistex, receipts, and random notes.

A pile of memories from coats past

It seems this pocket was from 2003. The winter that Nancy and I nearly died from frostbite in the Death Trap while trying to register for a stained glass class. This receipt is proof that we registered, and lived to tell about it

Stained Glass Class City Arts Centre Receipt. Proof that Nancy and I lived through the arctic adventure of registering for the class.

It also appears that I was apprehensive about asparagus in 2003.

Grocery List from 6 years ago - apparently asparagus was questionable back then...

As I dug through the clothes, I found a cache of McDonald’s shirts. Memories of competing and winning Gold in the grill competition in the All American Games popped up. I will never forget managing the store while wearing a polyester grey skirt, a purple button down shirt, orthopedic shoes, nylons, and a super sexy tie. Who says being 18 isn’t awkward?

McDonalds - they sure knew how to dress a girl!

My sweatshirt from my senior year of high school was mixed in with the McDonalds’ outfits. Suddenly, it was as though I was in Civics class with Mr. Hodus discussing Bill Clinton’s indiscretions and trying to wake up, as it was only 7 am.

Rogers HS Senior Class of 1998.

Deeper into the pile of unknown, I found my NABC sweatshirts. Someone convinced me to purchase an x-large one my first year. I was a chunky girl back then, but even still it was big on me.

3 of the same sweatshirt - just different colors. Overkill anyone?

There's enough room in here for two of me!

Nobody needs 3 of the same large letter sweatshirts – even if it gets down to -40 where you live.

Then I went for the large, hanging garment bag. The bag with the old bridesmaids dresses from my larger years. I have had these dresses for 10 years, and don’t really know why. So I put them all on to see how ridiculous they all looked on me now.

As I wore each dress, memories of the days wafted into my mind.

I was with Mandy as she married Tim on a crisp, clear winter day. Perhaps the sweetest brides I have ever seen.

Navy blue satin from 10 years ago - a sweet, winter day

A flurry of activity and stress to replace fuchsia flowers from my sister’s bouquet so there was no clashing in the pictures jumped into my mind. Panic became relief when Jody came to the rescue. My sister was gorgeous that day with her burgundy roses.

Memories of my sister looking gorgeous

Walking down the isle at Cara’s wedding in bare feet to watch her dreams come true as she married her best friend will not be easily forgotten.

The day Cara married her best friend

The dresses look absolutely horrible, but the memories are beautiful.

I bagged up all the clothes, the 16 years of memories that I couldn’t part with until yesterday, and put them at the door.

Old clothes out the door, but the memories will stay

I don’t need to keep the clothes to remember anymore. Now I have room in my closet for all the clothes that actually fit and new memories. Best of all, now I have a good reason to go out and purchase some new clothes!