Then there are other things that I am thankful for, but don’t remember to be thankful until something happens.

Today, I am thankful for bras.

Now, I know there are some women out there that don’t think they need to wear a bra, but I disagree.  Please make sure to wear one in public at all times.  Use this rule of thumb: If you need a purse, you need a bra!

While out shopping for clothes, I lost part of one of my favourite earrings.  Despite all the searching imaginable, which included 3 sales people, I couldn’t find the rest of my earring.  I left the store with new capris and one less earring.

Later that day, I felt something poking me in a very awkward location.  Lo and behold it was the earring.  It has been lurking in my bra all afternoon!

Not only do bras support, they keep track of missing objects. Like a good woman, they can multi-task for hours without blinking an eye.

I wonder how many bra-less women have lost one of their favourite earrings, which could have been avoided by merely wearing a bra.  Something to think about…or not…

When my left eye finally cracked open, I saw three blurry numbers glaring back at me.

5:27

Apparently it was time to get up. In a moment of weakness, I had promised a girlfriend that I would meet her at the YMCA at 6:30 to go for an early morning run.

The only part of my body that was able to move was my left arm as it slapped the snooze button with authority.

Eight seconds later I was back into a solid REM cycle.

5:36

The loud voice of my favorite radio personality, Garner Andrews, was suddenly blaring in my ear. In that moment he was no longer my favorite.

I dragged my lazy self out of bed and finally opened both eyes. It wouldn’t do to be late for my early morning run. After all, today was my girlfriend’s first day back from a seven week absence due to injury.

As we ran in the cool -12 Celsius weather we caught up on each other’s lives. We shared the joys, trials, and funny moments since we had last seen each other.

Due to her injury, she was much slower than her usual pace; but it didn’t bother me at all. There have been many times when I was the slower one. The important thing was that we were out running.

You can’t do life alone; it is meant to be run together.

Who do you run the path of life with? Who makes sure you get your lazy self out of bed in the morning? Who are you sharing your life with, no matter what the pace?

When you do, you will find yourself doing things you never thought possible.

While I struggled to sit up for the 37^th time, he posed an interesting question.

“What would you pay to wake up tomorrow and have the perfect body?”

Immediately I wondered if the bank would give me a line of credit for such a thing.  Perhaps I could say it was a business venture.  Or I could sell all my shoes…how much would my shoe collection bring on Ebay?  Hmmm….

Right away I realized I would have to sell some organs on the black market to make this dream a reality.

A hundred thousand?  Two hundred-fifty thousand?  What would it be worth? Would you pay more than what your car was worth brand new?

After thinking about it, I don’t think I would pay much at all.

I would wake up being the same exact woman I was on the inside with an outside that was my idea of perfect.  Nothing would change what I dislike about who I am, my confidence, or my fear of chasing my dreams.  I would merely be a very hot woman that has all the same issues, problems, insecurities, and psychoses.

“What would you pay to wake up tomorrow and be confident in who you are?”

That’s the real question.

The wonderful thing is that you don’t have to pay a dime.  You could wake up tomorrow and choose to be satisfied in yourself and know that everything about you is worth enjoying.

Today I am choosing to like everything about myself; even the muffin top.

Being fully you and proud of yourself is gorgeous.

Paying to wake up beautiful is what Hollywood does…and let’s be honest, they really don’t have it together over there.

When I am 100 I want to be able to walk on my own, know who I am without having to be reminded, and laugh until my stomach hurts.

This is why I am torturing myself by going to see my trainer for a near death experience once a week and eating Primal.

Do you know how hard it is to give up everything except meat, eggs, vegetables, fruits, and some dairy?

This means no brownies, chips, mac ‘n cheese, cookies, candy bars, or even popcorn.

My world is officially devoid of all comfort food.

Yesterday I desperately wanted something to ‘crunch’ while watching TV so I ate half a jar of mini dill pickles.  The crunch was satisfying, but the churning in my tummy wasn’t.

During my last training session while trying to run a mile as fast as womanly possible my calves seized.  My left leg ended up at the back of the treadmill clanging around as I tried to keep the conveyor belt from sucking it under.  Luckily I got my right leg off the belt, but it has completely seized as well.  As I fell forward in a semi-panicked state, I managed to push the ‘OFF’ button.

After limping off the treadmill and stretching out, I was told this is a direct result of wearing high heels too often.

My heart nearly broke in two.

I have given up so much already!  My new comfort food is dill pickles people!  There is no way I am giving up my shoes too.

In an act of pure defiance, I purchased a brand new pair of fabulous heels.

They are so fabulous that they almost make up for the lack of comfort food!

I see no reason to NOT wear these.  In fact, I think they just added 2 years onto my life.

There are things I do which I find quirky, but may be more normal than I think.

• I put important things that I don’t want stolen in my underwear drawer.  For instance, I just tucked my passport away next to my bras because somehow this makes perfect sense to me. Perhaps I am giving thieves more credit than they deserve.  In my heart I think they will be respectful enough to not rummage through my unmentionables while robbing me blind; thus protecting the most important things in my house.Maybe I should just get a safety deposit box…
• I think the organization of a woman’s spice cupboard and how clean behind her fridge is tells you exactly what kind of woman she is. My spice cupboard is jammed full of things that aren’t even spices.  Heck, I have a smoke detector in there!

How can you find anything in there?

But I have this spice rack…so does it mean I can pull it together when absolutely necessary?

Perhaps my spice redemption?!

My fridge appears to be just fine from a quick glance.

What a happy little fridge; complete with pictures from the nieces on it.

But upon closer inspection, I’ve really let myself go!

Oh. My. Gosh. I can't believe no one told me how far gone I was!

This is why I will pull the fridge and stove to clean behind before people come over instead of dusting.  Then when they use this litmus test to see if I am a good woman I will pass with flying colors and the dusty pictures and lamps will go without notice.  Right?

• I put peanut butter on almost anything.  Bananas, any sort of bread product, apples, ice cream, Nutella, a spoon, a hunk of chocolate, vegetables, you name it! Some days I find myself standing in front of the open refrigerator with a jar of peanut butter in one hand searching for something worthy to pair it with. If nothing can be found I resort to eating it off a spoon.

• One of my life goals is to be able to masterfully bake a soufflé.  I don’t know why but it seems to be one of those things that separates the girls from the women.  And you never know when a soufflé emergency should arise…if called upon in such an emergency, I would want to be able to save the day.

Am I the only one?  Please tell me it isn’t so!

These people clog up the YMCA for the first few weeks of January and can be spotted without much work.

They are the people that:

• are wearing brand new, high end workout outfits that strain to contain the muffin tops;
• lug around a water bottle that matches their outfit;
• wander aimlessly and look VERY confused in the weight room while sipping water from their matchy-matchy water bottle; and
• insist on eating a power bar in the stretching area after meandering around the workout area for 45 minutes.

I think getting healthy and in shape is a very noble New Year’s resolution.

This year my resolution is to get rid of my Happy Arms.  What are ‘Happy Arms’ you ask?

Happy Arms – noun.  A jovial arm that cannot help but wave along with a person when they wave.  They always give a second, third, or fourth wave to people and are most happy when a woman wears a tank top.

I think just having a happy face is perfect.  My arms need to learn how to be happy and content on the inside.

In order to do this, I will face the horde of confused New Year’s resolutions at the YMCA and continue to discipline my ‘Happy Arms’ to keep their joy to themselves.

What are your New Year’s resolutions this year?

I like to think Christmas is a time of connecting with family, remembering why the holiday exists in the first place, purchasing and wrapping gifts, and some quiet moments of rest…but let’s have a moment of honesty.  It’s a good excuse to eat everything you know you shouldn’t.

Cookies, candies, chocolate covered anything and everything, cakes, nuts, caramel corn, and pies are lurking all over the place.

A woman who is trying to eat ‘Primally‘ has no hope of success over Christmas unless she has a will of iron.  I forgot to ask Santa for that this Christmas.

Every Christmas my family vows to eat healthy and go for a run together every morning.

I last for one to two days at the most.

Then the sleeping in and sloth-like habits take over from sugar-induced comas.

At this point, we all WANT to be good, but can’t…

DL – Hey guys.  Ummm….are we going for a run today?
Thinner Family Member – Well, we are supposed to…perhaps later?
DL – Yeah.  Sure.  LATER it is.

Then when later comes, I am conveniently busy with a piece of cheesecake and just can’t go for a run.  Shoot!

Every year I get the SAME THING for Christmas – tight pants.

My question is – who ISN’T vowing to go on a diet tomorrow?

PS – I just ate my last *wink* peanut butter and chocolate cookie…

This weekend I traveled up north to Athabasca in the -27 degree Celsius weather to visit a fabulous friend from the coast that was visiting another fabulous friend who happens to live in Athabasca.

While traveling on the one lane highway covered in snow and ice, I saw a rather odd sign after passing a VERY small town that consisted of a gas station, 5 trees, and a fork in the road.  It read:

CAUTION.  Wild Animal Crossing Next 40 KMS.

My question is how do you know when the wild animals are going to cross?  In the city, we have amber lights that flash when pedestrians want to cross the road.  It is very organized.  The drivers slow down and the people cross without mishap.

So you don't harm the people on foot while driving.

When a herd of wild horses burst out of the trees and run next to your car and onto the road, there are no amber lights flashing.  You have to deftly maneuver the car to a quick halt without sliding all over the road or maiming a horse that has decided to cross NOW and bring all his friends along to circle your car for awhile.  It takes all your womanly mental strength to not scream while slowing down as fast as the ice will allow and avoid the monstrous four legged creatures.

Amber lights anyone?

Once I realized I had stayed on the road and didn’t need to drag the carcass of a dead horse off the road, all I could think was: “Who’s horses are these and why are they outside in the cold weather without even mittens on their hooves?! ”

Don’t horses get cold?  Shouldn’t they be wearing more than their God-given coats when it’s -27 degrees Celsius outside?

Is this something that all non-city people know the answer to?  Someone, help me!

Dear young, skinny chick at the YMCA,

Please don’t flaunt your skinny body in your tight yoga pants while eating deep fried white carbs in the YMCA women’s locker room.  There are those of us that don’t have the metabolism of a cheetah and can’t lounge around and eat bad foods and stay skinny by merely making an appearance at the gym.

I just finished running several miles at an incline and only ate fruits, vegetables, and tuna fish yesterday.

Severely Annoyed,

Donloree

Who eats McDonalds at the gym anyways?  Anyone else see something wrong with this picture?

• Don’t work out to lose weight, eat to lose weight.
• Work out to shape your body into what you want it to be.
• If it’s a fruit, vegetable, or you can kill it; eat it.

I immediately implemented the Primal Eating plan. I went home, baked some brownies, and KILLED them.

Then I felt bad. For the next 3 days leading up to my first training session I followed the eating plan without fault. An hour before I left to get my muffin top’s butt kicked, I consumed a heaping plate of spring mix, bell peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, and half an avocado. I was stuffed and proud of myself.

I went to the gym early to warm up so that I wouldn’t pull anything during the training session. The gym was freezing, so I kept my sweat pants and warm up jacket on during my brisk jog. At the one-mile point on the run I was on the verge of heat stroke. In order to cool down, I attempted to strip off the outer layer of clothing while running.

Word of advice: Press pause on the treadmill before taking off any warm up clothing. It results in less near death experiences.

We started the training session, which turned out to be a circuit of weight lifting with running mixed in. I anxiously completed the first exercise and started to feel rather nauseated. I really, really wanted to do well.

Then came the step-ups.

I was pouring sweat and we were only 3 minutes into the work out. Upon completion of the step-ups I started to see black dots and had to sit down. Then lay down.

My trainer looked quite concerned. I looked quite pale, deathly pale.

I drank some water and tried to get a grip.

Muffin Top Slayer: Are you ok? Do you need some Gatorade? You look really pale.
DL: I’m good. I just need a minute. GOSH.  Apparently I am totally out of shape.
MTS: It’s always eye opening for people, but I am surprised seeing how you workout every day. What did you eat today?
DL: I did really well. I even had a huge salad an hour ago.
MTS: Ahh…that’s the problem. You should eat a piece of fruit before a work out. Here eat my apple.

I sheepishly ate the Gala while sitting on an exercise bike and chatted about random things.  The black spots slowly disappeared and five minutes later I felt like a new woman. I completed the rest of the work out like a woman on a mission and felt fabulous at the end.

Another valuable lesson learned from the school of hard knocks. Eat an apple a day to keep the ambulance away!

Can you only imagine the chaos that would have ensued if I had fainted? Am I the only one that these things happen to?