Who Knew Complaints Cost Money?

Posted on 7 January 2010 | 4 responses

Yesterday we received our “Annual Realty Assessment Notice for 2010” from the City of Edmonton.

At the top of the document I noticed a random line item.

Complaint Fee:  $30

So let me get this straight.  If I don’t like my assessment I have to pay you 30 bucks to tell you that I don’t like it and you most likely aren’t going to do anything about it anyway?

The City of Edmonton is, quite simply, brilliant.

They not only reduced the amount of complaints they will receive by 100 fold, but they are going to make money off the really grouchy people that are going to complain come hell or high water.

I MUST implement this in my life.

If you want to complain I am more than happy to listen for five dollars (I figure undercutting the City of Edmonton might bring more business my way), but if you don’t want to pay I am not going to take your complaint.

Perhaps I need t-shirts made up…

Anyone else out there going to implement this million dollar idea?

The Yams of Life

Posted on 5 January 2010 | 5 responses

Have you ever met someone and something about them drives you crazy, but you just can’t figure out what it is?

It’s socially unacceptable to be honest and say something like: “You know…I just don’t really like you. I don’t think we are going to be friends.”

In the effort to rid myself of ‘Happy Arms’ this year I have started to eat only primal foods. This means I eat fruits, vegetables, nuts, meat, eggs, and small amounts of dark chocolate.

During this endeavor I have met a vegetable that drives me crazy and I just can’t figure out what it is.

Yams. I hate them.

White potatoes are supposedly bad for you because they turn into sugar as soon as you eat them. So I have turned to yams for a potato alternative. Unfortunately, in my opinion, the yam is the relative that everyone is ashamed of and is only invited to Christmas dinner because everyone feels sorry for them.

They masquerade as a potato, but are so sweet that they cause you to gag.

So I have decided to be honest with all the yams out there. “You know…I just don’t really like you. I don’t think we are going to be friends.”

I have put all the yams in my house where they belong.

Primal eating is officially yam-free at my house.

Do you have a yam in your life that you need to be honest with?

Say No To Happy Arms

Posted on 1 January 2010 | 7 responses

Many people make New Year’s resolutions to lose weight and get fit.  Some are serious about their goal, yet others make the same goal every New Year’s and never get very far.

These people clog up the YMCA for the first few weeks of January and can be spotted without much work.

They are the people that:

• are wearing brand new, high end workout outfits that strain to contain the muffin tops;
• lug around a water bottle that matches their outfit;
• wander aimlessly and look VERY confused in the weight room while sipping water from their matchy-matchy water bottle; and
• insist on eating a power bar in the stretching area after meandering around the workout area for 45 minutes.

I think getting healthy and in shape is a very noble New Year’s resolution.

This year my resolution is to get rid of my Happy Arms.  What are ‘Happy Arms’ you ask?

Happy Arms – noun.  A jovial arm that cannot help but wave along with a person when they wave.  They always give a second, third, or fourth wave to people and are most happy when a woman wears a tank top.

I think just having a happy face is perfect.  My arms need to learn how to be happy and content on the inside.

In order to do this, I will face the horde of confused New Year’s resolutions at the YMCA and continue to discipline my ‘Happy Arms’ to keep their joy to themselves.

What are your New Year’s resolutions this year?

Tight Pants for Christmas

Posted on 25 December 2009 | 5 responses

Christmas is a barrage of great tasting, fat-filled foods that no woman or her pants can stand up to.

I like to think Christmas is a time of connecting with family, remembering why the holiday exists in the first place, purchasing and wrapping gifts, and some quiet moments of rest…but let’s have a moment of honesty.  It’s a good excuse to eat everything you know you shouldn’t.

Cookies, candies, chocolate covered anything and everything, cakes, nuts, caramel corn, and pies are lurking all over the place.

A woman who is trying to eat ‘Primally‘ has no hope of success over Christmas unless she has a will of iron.  I forgot to ask Santa for that this Christmas.

Every Christmas my family vows to eat healthy and go for a run together every morning.

I last for one to two days at the most.

Then the sleeping in and sloth-like habits take over from sugar-induced comas.

At this point, we all WANT to be good, but can’t…

DL – Hey guys.  Ummm….are we going for a run today?
Thinner Family Member – Well, we are supposed to…perhaps later?
DL – Yeah.  Sure.  LATER it is.

Then when later comes, I am conveniently busy with a piece of cheesecake and just can’t go for a run.  Shoot!

Every year I get the SAME THING for Christmas – tight pants.

My question is – who ISN’T vowing to go on a diet tomorrow?

PS – I just ate my last *wink* peanut butter and chocolate cookie…

Top 10 things that look fun, but aren’t…

Posted on 19 December 2009 | 7 responses

There are things in life that seem like they will be fun and everyone thinks they will be fun, but they aren’t.

They are horrible.

1. Skiing. Strapping boards to your feet, climbing thousands of feet up a steep part of a mountain, and then sliding down while trying not to die is a bad idea. Perhaps it’s because I am not sports inclined, but getting frostbite while contemplating your life with only two small poles to keep you from death is not my idea of fun.
2. White water kayaking. When you find yourself hanging upside down in the water while strapped into a small plastic boat heading straight into the rapids, you will understand. Can anyone say ‘air’?
3. Tole Painting. People look so serene and happy painting flowers, birds, and other kitschy things on wooden objects. In reality it’s a practice in learning how not to swear while doing a genteel lady’s craft. The art isn’t about painting at all, it’s actually appearing to be kind and gentle all while fighting the intense desire to harm someone.
4. Running marathons. The prestige associated with marathon runners is huge; everyone seems to revere a person that can run 26 miles straight. Don’t get me wrong, it’s completely impressive but who wants to spend 3 hours a day running around instead of drinking lattes and catching up with friends? All so that you can pay money to run in a race and get a t-shirt. Something isn’t adding up for me.
5. Martha Stewart recipes. Martha is a horrible, vindictive woman that is not on the everyday woman’s team. She creates fabulous magazines with beautiful pictures of food that seem attainable. What she fails to tell you is each recipe requires at least one ingredient that can’t be sourced unless you have black market connections and at the end of your 3 hour meticulous baking extravaganza you will only have 24 odd looking cookies to show for all your hard work.
6. Canning. Take at least one whole day of your life, cut vegetables or fruit for 6 hours, shove them into jars, and then cook them in a huge vat on your stove for hours on end. After 12 hours, your house is hotter than a sauna and you’ve used up all your energy for the week. The only reason to can anything is if you don’t have a grocery store within 200 kms of your house.
7. Pedicures. I love shoes and am a known shoe-aholic. I need those calluses to be able to wear all my shoes and don’t want to pay someone money to touch my feet for an hour and make all my shoes painful to wear. It’s just a bad idea.
8. Swimsuit shopping. Whenever a girl plans a trip to a tropical place, a new swimsuit is required. It seems like fun to go get a cute new suit for your trip until you are standing underneath florescent lights with all your cottage cheese, droopiness, and muffin top hanging out for the world to see. All of the sudden it is clear why some women opt for muumuus instead of bikinis.
9. Riding the teacups. Going to the fair is always fun and nostalgic, and at times the nostalgia can get you into trouble. You find yourself thinking that riding the childhood rides is a good idea. Halfway into the teacup ride while trying to hold down your chili dog and caramel apple you remember why the dizzying ride is only good for people under the age of 12.
10. Gardening. It seems romantic to till the earth, plant seeds, and watch the fruits of your labor grow. After fighting weeds, rocks, drought, and bugs for 8 weeks all you have to show for your labor of love are 8 tomatoes, 4 zucchinis, and 7 ears of sad looking corn. The lettuce comes in right away, but is out of season by the time your meager amount of tomatoes and zucchini are ready to be eaten. Since you have to go to the grocery store anyways for veggies for the lettuce, why not skip the stress of the garden and leave the veggie growing to the professionals?

If you are thinking about attempting any of these things, I suggest you don’t.

What is on your list of things that look fun but aren’t?

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