I don’t really like nature.
There. I said it.
I might as well admit it to you since it came tumbling out a few weeks ago while chatting with my friend about the great weather and biking. I blurted out my socially non-acceptable opinion while my pride was smarting. Apparently I was distracted by the fact that he thought it would take me half and hour to do my 14 km ride which is mostly uphill when it actually took me a whole, dang hour.
It had been a fabulous bike ride and I felt very alive, so I agreed with him without really thinking about what I was saying.
Yup. It is rather glorious out there and I don’t even like nature!
The truth made him splurt his water and double over with laughter.
Its true, not funny.
Nature and I don’t get along. Seriously. Take for example, a glorious looking afternoon last weekend. While trying to bike through ‘nature‘ and the river valley, I had to swerve to miss hundreds of little green worms hanging from trees, the sky, and infinity. They were everywhere.
- If you heard high pitched yelping and frustrated muttering that afternoon, it was me.
I loathe snakes, so miniature, green snakes falling all over my backpack, helmet, and body is less than ideal. In fact, it is torture.
Then while taking a break to look at a lovely Alberta Rose and catch my breath after making it up a hill, ants swarmed up my legs and partook of my flesh as though I was an all you can eat buffet.
- More screaming happened along with leg slapping, jumping, and high knees.
I finally made it through the valley and back into the heart of the city where potholes are king. Suddenly while biking on Jasper Avenue I felt an odd sensation. A wriggling, if you will, in my bra.
While trying to avoid the epic potholes and traffic I managed to get one of those pesky, horrible, lime green, creepy crawly things out of my sports bra.
This time I shuddered and gagged.
Wind, the invisible Donloree torture device.
Now I realize wind is important and it helps do a bazillion things I don’t even contemplate on a day by day basis, but I still don’t like it. When I am biking in the mornings, the wind is not at my back – making the 4 km uphill even more uphill. One would assume that going home, the wind would be at my back…you know what they say about assuming…
- Wind opposes me.
Riding home, the wind changes direction. I think it does this just to mock me.
I find myself panting, pushing, pedalling like a mad woman, and wondering when the wind will be at my back, yet it rarely is.
At least it is on board with the buh-bye muffin top plan – my cardio strength and calorie burn is ever increasing.
- The hilarious part? It doesn’t even look windy.
The river valley sits quietly while the wind tunnels over the river and creates and invisible barrier for me to break through.
Who doesn’t love a fabulous dragonfly?
I do from afar, but the way they swarm around me early in the mornings has been more than enough to creep me out.
What has really done me in is the suicidal dragonflies that fly directly at my head and shoulders and die an abrupt death when they meet my very white flesh head on.
- Over the past 3 days, FOUR dragon flies have committed suicide on my body.
It is starting to be a bit much and I am starting to feel guilty for riding my bike. Perhaps I need to start giving inspirational speeches to the dragonflies as I bike, to encourage them to continue their lives ridding the world of pesky, ugly bugs and that what they do matters.
Do you think it would help?
Nature – a nice to visit, but not a place for this woman to live.
Add to the chaos how quickly I crisp up to a nice shade of tomato red when in the sun for more than 12 minutes and life gets interesting. A lobster red woman screaming about miniature, green snakes is something we all want to avoid – especially me!