A year ago this weekend, I was at Fantasy Camp – an epic fitness adventure where I got to learn and train with some of the best in the natural bodybuilding world.
I nearly died and loved every single second of it.
I mean, who doesn’t want to drive a Fiat around for a weekend, hang out with some of the most insanely fit and humble people you could ever hope to meet, and get inspired to set audacious goals and learn how to achieve them?
Every so often in life, I have what I like to call a ‘Come to Jesus’ moment.
A few days after getting home and continuing to push myself hard, and I mean hard, with my diet and goal of competing in another bodybuilding show, something clicked and I emailed Joe with the subject line, ‘What the hell am I doing?’
Due to health reasons, it was not and is not wise to compete.
At least until something changes.
I cried ugly, loud tears because my goal which created drive, clarity, and community and overflowed with passion was gone in an instant. For the past year, I have not had a mountain to climb. I have not had something larger than life to push me, call me forward, or focus my life around.
- I have been floundering, confused, and lost.
Feeling lost feels horrible.
Sure I have set goals and checked them off the list, but nothing ‘larger than life‘ has even been talked about or written down. My health is in balance and I feel better than I have in literally 15 years, something I do not scoff at and am extremely thankful for.
Then somewhere in the midst of the rambling along in life, I also decided it is time to be way more sensible and less ‘me‘ which is totally quirky and ridiculous. After all, I have a business to run and Google is already full to the brim of ‘Donloree antics‘.
- With a name like Donloree, what you see is what you get.
There are ups and downs to being so Google-able. Some days I wish my name was Barbara Smith.
Herein lies the tension.
If I get to be anything in life, it is a kick-arse author and speaker who tells great stories and changes the world with her words. In a fit of frustration earlier this week, I found myself pouring words and tears out to my kind and patient husband.
I just want to write. I want to be free to be me on paper and change the world through what and who I am! Written words can change the world and I am supposed to be a word world changer! But I just can’t…it seems like I can’t get out of my way to start on my way.
I am armpit deep into a book and want to share it with the world as I write it, but it scares me. It scares me more than I care to admit.
Some mornings it is too hot to handle.
The reason I first started blogging was because I felt like I had something to share with the world. Something to say that needed to be said, and so I started and threw myself fully into the bodybuilding dream, shared my life, and lived a great story.
I find myself at the starting line yet again, but I am unable to step across.
- What if it is horrible?
- What if I offend people?
- What if it is too vulnerable?
- What will people think?
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
~Henry David Thoreau
I am afraid to ask for help.
Seeing how it is the Year of Fear, it seems only rational to tackle this fear head on during March. I can’t be the only one who keeps coming back to the starting line of a dream, unable to move, and frozen in fear.
- Can you help me?
Will you help shove me across the starting line?
For the next four Wednesdays I am going to share the beginning chapters of my book which doesn’t even have a title yet. It is time, once again, to just do it afraid!
I need a reason to keep writing. I need help moving past the starting line. I need a reason to put my arse in the writer’s chair and write.
- I need you.