Yoga. Is it just for the bendy?
Posted on 27 January 2010
Jon finally convinced me to go to a yoga class after several weeks of wheedling.
He claimed it is ‘fun’.
Most women already know this, but I am going to restate it for those that don’t.
Men are liars. They lie to get women to do things they want. In this case, it was yoga.
Upon entering the ‘fun’ yoga studio, I was greeted by bendy people wearing very tight clothing. I felt like the chubby girl that tries out for cheerleading; awkward, out of place, and not sure what to do next.
While clutching my Pilates mat to my chest, I noticed the lithe yoga people were gathering yoga supplies of blocks, mats, blankets, pillows, cords, and bolsters from a cart on the wall. This was my first real yoga class – no one told me I needed to bring along a yoga checklist!
Luckily the instructor noticed my blank stare and got me all the necessary supplies.
Then the torture began.
While she had us bent up like some sort of contortionist and seated on the floor, she told us to rest our head lightly on the floor in front of us. I was bending as far as womanly possible and my head was a good two feet from even coming close to the floor. It was so absurd that I started to giggle. I had a sense that laughing in the calm, unhurried space of yoga class would be unacceptable so I desperately tried to hold it in. Unfortunately, the laughter came out in pressured bursts with large amounts of spit.
My uncontrollable giggling was not appreciated. I quickly sobered up by thinking about sad things like never being able to have chocolate ever again.
She had us try to do things that are completely impossible while saying all manner of words that had more vowels than consonants and at least 12 syllables. Due to my lack of fluency in the yoga language, I just watched to see what the rest of the class did and desperately tried to mimick their movements.
At the end of class we did some final stretches to ‘completely loosen up’ all our tight muscles. She led us through a stretch that involved putting your left foot on your right knee, bending into a squat, leaning forward, and then merely doing a handstand to deepen the stretch. Simple. Right?
I couldn’t get past step two in the task. There was no way a pretzel handstand was up next. There are only so many times a woman should risk her life doing stupid things and this was not one of those times for me!
Yoga is for masochists. It’s an hour and a half of doing torturous things that are impossible for the average woman.
Apparently I fall into this group because I am toying with the idea of going back.
Perhaps it was the sense of satisfaction of not being dead at the end that hooked me. Who knows? All I know is that I better keep the giggles under control if I go back!
8 responses to Yoga. Is it just for the bendy?
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It’ll come. Most people are amazed that I, a 280lbs man can bend over and put my palms flat on the floor with only a slight bend in my knees. I’m working towards no bend!
I worry about the spiritual aspect of yoga… although there are “Christianizations” of it, most seem pretty lame. Kind of like a Christian cover of an AC/DC song…
BwaaaaHaaaHaaa! Seriously, get a Wii and do Yoga on Wii Fit. It starts with JUST BREATHING, then moves into ‘real yoga’. Dave keeps trying to convince me to come to the “Ultimate Workout” with him. If it wasn’t 7am on Sundays, I probably would be posting a similar story on my blog.
Wii Fit yoga is totally doable… or is it doible? I’m gonna Wii Yoga tomorrow… if I don’t have a hangover (8 beers – you have no idea how often I have to hit backspace!)
I think that was my downfall. I have the yoga wii fit and have done the yoga…I felt prepared. ‘Ultimate Workout’? Wow, that sounds intense…if you go, let me know I want to hear what happens! Perhaps I should come along! lol!
I heart yoga!! The class that you described sounds a bit advanced… if you start out in the beginner of all beginning classes… laughing is allowed!
Good to know! I had better go to a ‘Donloree Safe’ yoga class before I pass complete judgement! Thanks for the tip.
I can relate, hot yoga was like that for me the first time: ridiculous. But you’re right, it’s for masochists and that’s what I am. So are you. You’ll be all “yoga’s not the boss of me!” and kick it’s ass I predict. Because you’re Donloree
I think you should come back to ballet!
Oh boy! So I can have foot cramps and seize up again? How about we go for coffee instead?!