A Simple Solution for a Complex Issue

Posted on 24 July 2009

There should be two distinct lineups for the women’s washrooms at any large-scale event.  The ‘I’m here for a break from the game and hanging out with my girl friends’ line, and the ‘my kidneys are backing up into my armpits and there will be an embarrassing event in about 38 seconds’ line.   There is nothing worse than having an urgent need, so urgent that your pants are cutting off circulation to your legs due to the expansion of your bladder, only to find a line up of 65 women chatting happily between you and relief.  

At this point, you only have a few options to make it to a stall within the next 38 seconds before a most embarrassing event of your life occurs.  You could:

• Politely and efficiently ask the chatty women in front of you one at a time if you can hop in front of them and you as are about to pee your pants.  This only works if everyone in the line suddenly senses your need through telepathic powers and the sea of women miraculously parts to give you immediate access to the washroom.

• Make a scene.  This scene is less embarrassing that you peeing your pants, but involves you announcing to everyone within earshot that you are desperate to get into the washroom and that it has to happen NOW.  Stunned silence will reign for about 25 seconds, which will give you 13 seconds of buffer time to get to the washroom.  Awkward, yet quite effective.

• Create a diversion to distract the two men that may need to use the men’s washroom.  To do this, you simply need to passionately scream the name of a famous hockey player and duck into the men’s washroom as they all rush to find the sportsman in question.  You will have enough time to get in and get out as they will be distracted for quite some time talking about the close encounter with fame.

• Go in disguise.  This takes cunning and stealth to pull of, and everyone has to be in the right place at the right time.  If there happens to be a cleaning woman with one of those large carts rolling by, stick your foot out and trip her.  While everyone is concerned about her and the possibility of a concussion, quietly push the cart away from the scene and roll directly into the washroom in front of all the women.  No one will ask any questions.  This is also handy if the situation gets dire, you can simply push your way through with brute force.  This plan should only be executed as a last resort.

There is merit in the two line system.  Women would be happier at sporting events, there would be less confused men looking for an elusive hockey player, and the cleaning staff would have less incident reports to fill out.  Sounds like a win-win situation all around!

4 responses to A Simple Solution for a Complex Issue

Brenda W says:

July 26, 2009 at 8:33 pm

Here, here – you’ve got my vote. I personally like suggestion #2 and #3. I have done #3, but it was at a womans event (no guys around for miles).

Reply

• Donloree says:

  July 26, 2009 at 9:40 pm

  Brenda! You are one risky woman!

  Reply
• Nancy says:

  July 26, 2009 at 10:33 pm

  Is this possibly the women’s event which involved lots of rain and mud, a campsite and only 2 pit toilets for 6 soggy women to change in?

  Reply
  • Donloree says:

    July 27, 2009 at 9:18 am

    No, but that’s a good story too! Man, we have so many ridiculous adventures!

    Reply

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