The Intelligent Passport?

Posted on 19 May 2009

When you apply for a passport, a four page form must be filled out just to prove you are the person your driver’s license says you are.  Very specific details that no one will ever care about again must be provided.  The document number of your birth certificate has to be listed even though they see the actual document, a somber, terrorist-esque picture must be produced and signed by your guarantor, and your signature can’t even go near the edges of the signature box otherwise the whole application is null and void.

Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate the thoroughness and principal of the matter.  I really do.  But if they are going to take it that far, they need to ask one more question.  

What is your level of intelligence? Please place an X next to the description that most describes your level of comprehension when given instructions, either verbal or written. 
This question will be verified by your references.

___  Low – Signpost or me?  Hmmm…what’s the difference?
___  Medium – 2 plus 2 equals 4.  I agree with this statement
___  High – I speak in complete sentences and can follow even complex instructions.

This is an important question.

At the airport, I do not need to be asked by the man at the very edge of security for my passport, boarding pass, and about the liquids I may have in my carry on only to be asked by the man that points out which security check point is moving the quickest, then the uniformed person that shuffles the bins you have to put your shoes into, AND the man that waves the wand in an invasive manner over my whole person because my belt may possibly be made of a combustible material.  Isn’t once enough?  

How is it possible that people may be lost or confused about where they are going once they have started the security checkpoint process?  Do people actually make it to the fourth person when they shouldn’t?  Do people really forget they have liquids in their carry on baggage after being asked 3 times and seeing 5 large signs that show all liquid items being put into a Ziploc?

Ziploc bags apparently have superpowers that blind the security checkpoint personnel to the liquids held within.  I know this for a fact.  I watched as they confiscated a woman’s .05 ounce lip gloss because it wasn’t in a Ziploc when it passed through the x-ray machine.  It was in question because she didn’t acknowledge that it was there, and hence must be trying to smuggle it onto the plane.  Whatever you do, put your lip gloss in a Ziploc to save your lips from being chapped in a foreign country where they don’t sell Blistex!

I have decided that if this information was listed in your passport, the incoherent people that still have bottles of shampoo and water or are lost as to what gate they are supposed to go to could all be dealt with by very skilled and patient security personnel.  Then, those of us who know how to put the Ziploc superpowers to good use and read signs wouldn’t have to produce our passports and boarding passes 8 times in order to simply get on an airplane.  

This is the answer to most air travel frustrations.  The bewildered travelers can have their carry on items searched and confiscated while the rest of us enjoy a leisurely latte before boarding the airplane.