Terrible Case of the Past {Amanda Palmer}

Being completely ready for anything is a fallacy.

There is a unique timing for action when readiness meets opportunity. Willingness to fail is a far better approach than waiting for the elusive ‘complete readiness’ to appear. Opportunities come and opportunities go, what you do with them when you have them is what matters.

  • Mostly, nearly, just about, kinda or quasi ready seem more accurate to me.

What can I say? I am a woman who likes to qualify things.

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There are no guarantees in life, health, love or business. The past year has presented me with an incredible amount of opportunities to fail and I have taken nearly all of them head on because when opportunities, people and experiences which make my heart come alive find their way into my life, “Yes!” is the only answer which should be given.

Ready? Never.

Willing? Always.

Meet Amanda Palmer, an enigma who is always willing and rarely feels ready.

She is a deep soul of mystery, love and authenticity; a woman who embodies a willingness to risk failure to get what she wants out of life.

Amanda’s music is reminiscent of sitting on a rocky ocean shoreline; the crash of the waves fills your ears and the mist seeps through to your bones, yet somehow you remain warm.

As are with most things and people in life which you deeply appreciate and love, you find them when you’re not looking for them; I found Amanda through my love of memoir, not the radio.

Reading a memoir of someone you admire or who is extremely interesting is like going for a long idyllic walk with them and then finding yourself sitting out on their back porch with a glass of wine and your legs tucked under you while you watch the sun fall off the edge of the earth and start to count the stars. The conversation and sharing doesn’t stop until the last page is turned; the stars give way to the sunrise and coffee finds its way into your hands.

  • Around this time last year, I was deep in Amanda Palmer’s memoir, The Art of Asking.

Amanda

Amanda is an intriguing and interesting soul, but not just for the reasons you find on her Twitter feed and album covers; she is who she is without apology and embraces the journey of being vulnerable and practicing love, whether fully ready or not.

A few days ago, I came home from an extremely emotionally exhausting day that was full day of coaching and consulting and felt the need to, “find the human statue singer lady’s music … what’s her name?”

Have you ever had the experience where you are supposed to know someone’s name and their name simply doesn’t exist in your brain?

Then you’re supposed to introduce them to someone else?

  • Embarrassing, awkward, demoralizing.

This sums up my ability to remember names of songs, bands and musicians. I hear something and the sound sticks in my heart while all the pertinent information about the song simply vanishes. When people ask me what music I listen to, I literally have to look at my phone to see what I have downloaded and am listening to at the moment.

Whatever you do, DON’T ask me to sing the song for you because I just might and you will never be able to get those 15 seconds of your life back.

If my life depended on singing even reasonably on tune, I would be dead. This may be one of the reasons I avoid traveling to the Middle East, simply because if I were to encounter a hostage situation and be forced to sing O Canada! to prove my subarctic heritage, no one would believe me.

Let’s just say googling with all I had left in my sparse recollection I had about Amanda led to some interesting results before I found her.

Her new song, Machete, made me sob when I listened to it. She sings of love and loss; love of someone who changed her life and fully loved her for who she was and didn’t let her be anything but her best self.

A terrible case of the past.

Her lyrics are haunting and point out the fact that to live a life of love, connection and risk taking creates the potential for huge loss, pain and heartache; in fact it is inevitable. Yet, there is no way else to live but to be free, to love people with your whole heart and to take opportunities that come your way whether you are ready or not; to risk aching for a past which is no longer your present.

Here is the world

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To experience a terrible case of the past is both heart rending and encouraging. While reminding you of what you’ve lost, it gives you hope for a future by holding up a mirror to your soul and reflecting back your capacity to live well. It reminds you that you have within yourself what it takes to be happy and live an amazing life.

  • How you live today will be your past tomorrow, make it worth experiencing a terrible case of the past now and again.

Grab onto opportunities, people and adventures which light up your soul when they come across your path and hold tight until its time to let go; allow them to be woven into the fabric of your soul and to change you for the better.

And in the moments of terrible cases of the past, lean into the feelings and savor what you had and then lean out into the big world ahead because there is more, whether you are ready for it or not.

Go be amazing, its the best choice you’ll ever make. 

 

Showing Up and Sacrifice … Not Sexy, But Effective

Life is not a spectator sport.

To win at life, you have to suit up and get in the game, train hard, show up and keep standing up up when you get knocked down.

Life is meant to be lived, grabbed onto, savored and enjoyed.

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I often have this conversation, which I hate ….

Random Person“I wish I could do that. I could never do that.”
Annoyed Donloree“Sure you could. You just have to start. You can actually do pretty much anything you want in life. The only rules are the ones you create.”
Random Person“No. Never. I just can’t … you can, but I can’t.”
Annoyed Donloree“Everyone starts somewhere. If you don’t start, you never will. Just start. Choose to be ok with being horrible and then keep going. It eventually gets better and suddenly you’re doing things. I promise.”
Random Person“I just can’t …”

Once you’ve decided that you can’t, it won’t work, it is impossible, you’re too old or there is no way forward, you are correct.

Fearing failure and not trying is failure realized.

The art of showing up.

98% of the battle is showing up. Truly. A year ago I would have never thought I would be a woman who could run medium range distances of 25km and longer without calling a cab to rescue me.

I just kept showing up to the early morning run groups and putting on foot in front of the other.

When I was 22 years old with a completely irrelevant Bachelor’s degree in hand, did I imagine I would be an HR Director and Executive Coach? No. Showing up to work on time and working hard and with purpose moves the needle even when you feel like you’re standing still.

  • The hardest and most important thing you can do is show up. Don’t pre-select failure for yourself.

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Can’t vs. Don’t Want To

Actions tell you and the world what you actually want; words can be a cheap smoke screen of misdirection when we aren’t ready to be honest with ourselves and the people in our lives.

The worst person to deceive is yourself. Instead of saying you wish you could do, be, achieve or have something, be honest with yourself and the world.

It is refreshing to hear someone say, “No. I don’t want to do that.”

Learn to show up for what you want in life and be honest with what you want to fight and sacrifice for in life.

  • Does running an ultramarathon sound like a neat achievement? Sure. Heck as if I am going to trade that many hours of my life to be able to hang that medal around my neck while eating a post race banana or twelve.
  • Do I want to be amazing at mountain biking? You bet. This is why you will find me on my bike after an exhausting day at work, practicing single track trails previously ridden with the Dirt Girls. The many bruises I earn are happily covered in arnica while I smile with happiness.
  • Do I actually want a hot bikini body? No. I don’t want to count macros, eat 50 or less carbs a day, be unable to play hard and enjoy sports and not be able to think at work. Happy and healthy is way better than hot.

If you want to, then just do it and don’t care at all what people think. And if you don’t want to, be honest with yourself and be ok with saying you don’t want to.

Be willing to try and fail until you succeed; whatever you do, don’t fail by not showing up for yourself.

This is your life and you’re becoming someone; is it who you want to be?

Be Careless

If you want to make nearly every woman in North American and possibly even Europe shudder and take a mental inventory of their cellulite, just tell them swimsuit season is here.

  • I hate swimsuit season, but probably not for the reason you think.

The reason I despise swimsuit season is because suddenly, overnight, each of us isn’t good enough, will never be enough and somehow our bodies become a measurement of our worth.

Every single spring, pressure from the media to have a perfect body and conversations between women assessing how not good enough their bodies are intensifies and before you know it we are all down the rabbit hole of comparing and judging each other, but most of all we judge ourselves.

When women tell me they aren’t ready for swimsuit season, I have a hilarious response.

What are you lacking? A swimsuit? Sunscreen? I know, sunscreen is absolutely critical – have you seen how white I am? Eeps! Costco has a great price on 60 block – just picked some up last week. I am officially ready. Flip flops? Just make time to go shopping – no worries, you’ve got this.

I am serious. What are you lacking?

Nothing other than hard won self-acceptance.

My heritage is Eastern European – people who needed to be strong and sturdy to survive farm life. I will never look like a Barbie Doll and if I do please call 911 because I went without food for 6 months and am nearly dead. My genetics have adapted over the centuries to be able to haul things, walk long distances up steep hills without stopping and make it through long, cold, hard winters.

We are a hardy people. Waif-like and lithe will never be applied to my name and that is completely fine.

  • How much of our lives do we just not show up for because we self-select that we are not good enough? Not thin enough? Not beautiful enough? Just not enough …

For women, it is more than we care to admit.

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There is a lie out there that if you are a size 4, weigh 119 pounds, are without wrinkles, have a D cup size and are 5’7” then everything will be perfect and you will be happy because life will be at your fingertips.

Guess what? Life is already at your fingertips and if you don’t know how to grab life and live well now, being ‘beautiful’ won’t help you be happy.

Learn to be more of who you are, not less.

The great thing about everyone else caring about how they look in their swimsuit is they couldn’t care less about how you look. And if you don’t care – the world is your oyster.

You don’t need to be less, smaller, tinier, or thinner to enjoy more of life; what you need is to accept that you are more than enough and just be happy while doing the things you want to do.

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Be a woman who has enough substance to her, both emotionally and physically, to hold onto while you live a great life.

  • Put the swimsuit on and go live your life. Don’t let a number on a tag inside your clothes determine how much life you get to live.

Go live your life. All of it. Be courageous. Show up.

Care less. Live more.

Arnica You Glad I Didn’t Quit?

I promise, I am not abused, just extremely ridiculous

A few weeks ago I found myself wearing a pair of fabulous red high heels and a cute black work dress while confusing the heck out of a 58 year-old male pharmacist.

DonloreeHi. I need some help. I am looking for something called Arnica … ? *shrug*
PharmacistSure. Over here … (looking and nothing named ‘Arnica’ was found)
DonloreeMy friend said it was by the A535, is that here?
PharmacistOh, that’s over there. What do you need it for? Are you trying to get rid of a massive bruise?
DonloreeUh, yeah. A few of them … would like to make this black eye go away and if we can sort out the hand, arm and leg … well, that would be wonderful.
Pharmacist – (Leaning into my eye, seeing under my foundation and suddenly looking concerned) Are you ok? What happened? Your hand! Arm. Oh … uh… How did you get those bruises? Did someone do this to you? Did your boyfriend or husband hurt you? Uh … why do you need Arnica?
Donloree – (Laughing) Oh no! I’m fine, totally fine. Mountain biking. I am not an abused woman, I am just clumsy and ridiculous. If you knew me, it would make sense. Promise.
PharmacistWhy do you mountain bike? Stop it. You don’t look like a woman who mountain bikes. No more biking.
DonloreeI like it. It makes me happy. I am going to keep biking, so I need Arnica.
Pharmacist You’re sure you’re safe … right?
DonloreeSafe? Nah. Good? You bet. Awesome. Thanks!

First Official Ride of the Season – 1, Donloree – 0

My first ride with the crazy mountain biking women was reminiscent of my first day of fourth grade when I had to change schools. Walking across the field to find my teacher and class so I could line up when the bell rang was one of the scariest things I had ever done in my short 9 years of living.

  • But here’s the good news; I am 36 years old which means I made it through the fourth grade despite feeing like I was going to die.

Standing there with my fabulous white and teal bike, I felt out of place and my inner nine year old wanted me to run away and to never go back. It was the first day of school and I just wanted to fit in.

Guess what? I didn’t fit in, not at all.

I decided to wear white because it matched my bike (yes, I am that woman), I had never been on a group ride before and I didn’t know any of the terms that were flying around in the conversation.

  • Fearless, I am not. Ridiculous and tenacious, I am. Completely.

I made it through my first single track without dying and managed to stay on my bike going down a massive to me hill in a single track, so when a big ramp appeared in the path followed by an uphill full of roots, I gulped down the desire to run away and went for it. After I fell off the a-frame, banged my white helmet (told you I am that woman) on a log, turned into a Donloree pretzel with my fabulous bike smooshing me into the earth while still clipped to my shoes and my white clothes covered in mud, I just laid there and laughed.

It is more epic than it appears ... first a hill, then a slight flat, then the massive ramp thing, then uphill full of roots. I totally had it ... until I didn't.

It is more epic than it appears … first a hill, then a slight flat, then the massive ramp thing, then uphill full of roots and turns. I totally had it … until I didn’t.

Who does this?

A woman who has continually experienced the value of courage and community.

Over the years I have learned that if I don’t actively choose courage, there is no way I will ever be able to do the things that I want to do. Saying you want something and actually going after it are two different things.

Don’t let fear keep you from traveling the road of epic failure to finally arrive at success.

  • Courage. Competence. Confidence.

You cannot be truly confident unless you are extremely competent and to even begin to be competent at something you have to step out into the unknown and choose to embrace risk. This is true in work, sport, love and personal growth; courage bridges the gap between where you are to where you want to be.

Bridge building is a process and is something you can rarely do alone.

The next ride with the crazy and amazing women, I was told, *ahem* strongly encouraged, to face my fear and go with the group that was going to ride the trail with the a-frame. My latest near death experience was not going to definite me and my Arnica advice giving friend helped me look fear in the face and pedal through it, or more accurately, over it.

I made it over once, screaming the whole way, and the second time a woman named Tracy kept me from repeating the near death experience off the other side and then it is possible tears of frustration leaked out of my eyes.

What was I thinking? The darned ramp is as high as my hip ... then add in my bike height ... Ridiculous!

My ridiculousness makes my brow furrow in epic ways. What was I thinking? The darned ramp is as high as my hip … then add in my bike height … sheesh!

  • Being courageous is vulnerable. Freakishly vulnerable.

In order to not die while going after what you want in life, grab great people and learn from them. Find resilient people who are willing to go through the obstacles of life with you. Without people who believe in you and who have gone farther and further and are stronger than you are, you won’t get very far.

Grab some Arnica, show up and embrace the bruises that come on the path of learning and challenge; what you want is on the other side of ridiculous.

AND whatever you do, make sure you have some fabulous people to ride with; it makes all the difference.

Happy Is As Happy Does

Summer is glorious in the subarctic.

The unique gift about the north during the summer months is the sun; it stays for nearly 24 hours at the zenith of summer and doesn’t really leave until it suddenly decides to start snowing.

Most summer evenings after work and the long list of tasks and events for the day are done, you will find me on my balcony with a glass of sparkling water or wine watching the sky turn majestic colours as the sun slips over the edge of the earth to hide away for a few hours.

A few nights ago under the pink and orange sky, I connected with a quiet, deep and steady happiness that has grown through a long season of deep and keen disappointment.

  • You can never tell someone’s backstory from the picture they present to the world.

Everyone has something hard in their life. Every single person.

It is a poor choice to decide that someone else’s life is perfect or easy and even if is perfect or easy for them at the moment, they probably went through hell to find it. Let them savour it and celebrate with them.

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Much of my life is very shiny and happy. After all, I have a fabulous job and own a part-time consulting and coaching business, running, biking and adventures are peppered throughout the week, I only have me to worry about which means I can travel, go out and do whatever I want when I want and amazing friends overflow in my life.

We are covered in salt and dirt from the run, I haven't showered yet and my epic sun squint brow is out in full force ... yet this is happiness.

We are covered in salt and dirt from the run, I haven’t showered yet and my epic sun squint brow is out in full force … yet this is happiness.

What you don’t see is the long list of disappointment and heartache that have filled up the last 3 years of my life. Listing them out would be unhelpful; acknowledging they exist is more than enough.

Rarely do we show the struggle, despite it being real.

In the midst battling disappointment, I have also been extremely and consistently happy.

The bendy people of the world have a healthy perspective on how to go about things – they practice. I am sure there are weird yoga competitions, planking championships and other nonsense, but in general, they simply go about practicing.

  • One of my mantras in life is, “Your job is to be amazing, now go do it.”

To be happy, you have to know you are and be it, which is anything but passive. Being amazingly you takes work, discipline, focus and tenacity.

Practice leads to proficiency.

Happiness comes from taking control of your life and not pinning your happiness on anything or anyone. Scapegoating situations and people is easy in the moment, but it is not the road to happiness. You, and only you, are in charge of your happiness and it is something you need to practice every day.

Prior to these past years, I had no idea happiness could readily co-exist with disappointment, but it can, it simply takes practice.

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There are lists galore out there about how to be happy and yet everyone needs to find their own way and happiness practices which are congruent with who they are; in my world this is called my Happyloree list.

Here are ten things I consistently do as part of my happiness practice:

  1. Saying no. Learning that ‘No‘ is a complete sentence has been huge. Doing something I don’t want to do means I am not being authentically myself and am taking an opportunity away from someone else. Every opportunity that comes across your path isn’t supposed to be taken.
  2. Reflecting and savouring. Most of my days start and end with reflection; a time of sorting through what is going on inside of me and how I want to approach the world. As little as 5 minutes makes a marked difference in my life.
  3. Becoming a sensible minimalist. Buying and consuming less, both stuff and media, has created time and capacity to do more with my life. I never want to go back to an overflowing life. I have become rather man-esque when it comes to shopping – give me a list and let’s get this done!
  4. Adventuring and saying YES to doing challenging things. Can you say first mountain bike race? Oh sweet Jesus … the goal? Not to die; everything else is bonus.
  5. Simply being me. As my mom would say, “Like it or lump it.” I actually have no idea what this means, but the sassiness of the comment is fabulous. No longer worrying about either making a statement or fitting in is freeing; going about life and work and not thinking about myself has opened up a new world of mental space and creativity.
  6. Appreciating my body. Remembering that I can run nearly 30 km or work hard all day and then go mountain biking for a few hours is important; it is fabulous for what it can do, not what size it is or isn’t. I am going to be the hilarious 75 year old woman climbing Kilimanjaro and keeping up with the young whippersnappers, at least that is the goal.
  7. Giving my time to amazing people. Time is the most valuable resource on the planet and I don’t give it away very easily. Running, biking, evenings out on the town, coffee, dinner and wine and long hikes are paired with amazing people who make my life better.
  8. Doing what I said I would do. If it is in my calendar, whether it be a bike ride with the Dirt Girls or going to a foreign film alone, I strive to always do what I said I would do and show up, especially for myself. You have to stop wishing and start doing, otherwise you will have regrets instead of stories.
  9. Dressing nice. I likely overdress most of the time, but it is for me – it helps me show up. Learning the art of taking care of yourself and being proud of who you are, both inside and out, is key … and heck, a pair of amazing shoes always makes everything better.
  10. Being kinder to myself. I often have internal, hilarious conversations with myself about my failures and disappointments. The mean voice in my head may be loud, but listening to the kind voice gets me much further, much faster in life and I have places I want to go and things to accomplish!

And whatever you do, the first and most important task in the practice of happiness is to buy your own stamp of approval and use liberally and without shame.

What are your happiness practices? What have you woven into your life to create your own happiness?

Stop Stepping On Your Saplings

Do stuff, risk failure and keep going. 

Accomplishing amazing goals and becoming proficient anything requires you to start and then keep going; to accept the work, time, discipline and sacrifice it takes to get what you want out of your life.

  • Ignorance gets you started; purpose keeps you going.

And just in case you were curious, it always takes more work, emotional energy, time, heartbreak, discipline and perseverance than we think it will at the start.

Start now. Carpe Diem. Go. Begin. Commence.  

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How often do we look at other people’s trees and wish they belonged to us?

Jealousy versus inspiration.

If you water your trees, you get fruit. If you water other people’s trees, you get an empty watering can.

Yesterday I participated in a six hour mountain biking clinic put on by the Dirt Girls which I jokingly referred to as ‘How Not To Die While Mountain Biking.

  • It was a day of fruit for me.

While poised at the top of a hill ready to go down and attack some obstacles on the bottom, I suddenly had a moment of  unexpected reflection.

It was cold, yet fabulous. Obstacles galore were overcome and technical skills will be integrated into my biking hence forth!

It was cold, yet fabulous. Obstacles galore were overcome and new technical skills will be integrated – watch out hills, curves and roots you are about to be tackled!

How did I become a woman who knows she needs to be one of the first to try the skill challenge so her fear doesn’t grow into an insurmountable mental giant that cannot be overcome, no matter how safe it is?

  • Tree watering.

15 years ago I couldn’t even run the length of a football field let alone run something like 30 kms or bike through the river valley for a whole afternoon. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life, but I planted some seeds and kept watering them.

The process of seed to sapling to firmly rooted tree takes a long time.

How often do we step on the small, green shoot that breaks through the ground because we are annoyed that the seed didn’t turn into a glorious oak overnight?

  • Stop it.

The small shoots of growth which show up as ineptitude will eventually grow into competence if you choose to cultivate them and submit to the slow process of sustainable growth.

If you want to get somewhere, you have to keep going.

It takes time to grow an orchard which feeds your soul. 

My whole professional life revolves around helping people and organizations figure out where they are ‘now‘, what they want next and how to get it. In the course of a week, I ask the question, “You’re here now, so now what?” about 100 times in various ways.

It is too late for yesterday, you are correct. The good news is yesterday is done and we are firmly in today.

  • So now what? 

Be inspired, not jealous; start planting your own trees and celebrating what you are doing with your life. Dream, set goals and water your trees.

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And for the love of everything that is good in the world, be inspired by other people’s trees. See what is possible and work your arse off to do what you want with your life and be who you want to be.

What kind of orchard are you cultivating?

Just Say ‘No’ to Ultramarathons

Whenever I find myself thinking, “I’ve got this. No problem.” quick re-assessment rather than going forward with confidence needs to take place.

Most times I am completely fine and I have whatever ‘it‘ is, but the moments when I don’t, or in this case the 4 hours, quickly become epic.

  • I run with crazy women. Crazy in a good way, but at the end of the day crazy is crazy.

Which means, by association, I am firmly in the crazy category.

Running is not something I enjoy all that much. I love being fit, strong, capable and powerful – able to do more than the average woman, but I do not love running. I run for the challenge, cross training, to be healthy and to grow my mental discipline. Most of all, I run to spend quality time with my friends; they keep me on my toes, both literally and figuratively.

The crazy women are training for the Blackfoot Ultra Marathon, I am not, I repeat, I am not running 52 kms on hilly trails for fun. Nonetheless, yesterday I went for a run out on the trails with them for ‘fun‘ and ‘moral support‘.

blackfoot running donloree

Welcome to spring in the subarctic tundra and the ONLY flat part of the run.

There were a few small problems, aka gaping holes, with my support.

  1. The route was the most challenging course I have ever run in my life.
  2. 25 km was the plan. Prior to this, I had only run 26 km once before with 22 km being the average long distance and 16-20 km being comfortable.
  3. My right quad and IT band are currently on strike.
  4. AND I am still recovering from a monster cold.

But why not? You only live once, right?

I heard myself say, “What the heck – could be fun…. Besides, I have never run x-country trails for that long of a distance. It will be an adventure.

Holy adventure Batgirl.

We met at 7:30 am at one of our usual starting locations, then we piled into cars and drove for 45 minutes to the middle of nowhere, aka Blackfoot Park.

  • The plan was simple – do a loop.

Loops I can do, and no I don’t need a map — thank you for asking? I decided it was going to be simple – one loop and voilà, amazing run complete.

Apparently everything I decide doesn’t pan out the way I think it will.

Back to those pesky, gaping holes.

  • The terrain was freakishly hilly, as in that is all it was – hills. Literally over 100 of them were completed by your’s truly.
  • There is no water on the trail other than sloughs and I finished my 2 litres of water at the 20 km mark.
  • Coughing up a lung while trying to eat a few gummies on a walk break resulted in aspirating my carbs instead of ingesting them.
  • The loop was something we needed to create in the matrix of trails, Donloree – 0, Nature – 1.
  • Deep life lessons learned by continuing forward when all you want to do is sit on the ground and weep become annoying instead of meaningful after 3 hours of hearing the leaves crunch under your mud collectors *ahem* x-country running shoes.
  • I would have died without my more advanced running friends who had sunscreen, extra water, blister packs, advil, gluten free granola bars, a sandwich or two, 3 litres of water and alcohol wipes in their super athlete water packs.

Oh, did I mention we got lost?

Lost. I hate being lost.

The main problem with being lost is that you can’t go back the way you came because you have no idea where the path went. As is true in life, the only way forward is to keep going and the map is only helpful once you’ve orientated yourself to where the heck you are now.

  • Orientation sometimes takes longer than you expect and oftentimes reorientation and even re-reorientation is required.

The map with the ‘you are here‘ screw was less than optimal. We would find ourselves at an intersection with three intersecting trail options, only two existed on the map and the one we thought we should take was straight on the map and a hairpin turn in real life.

We spent a lot of time looking at the green maps and cursing the men who made them.

blackfoot map

Looks helpful, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, the map needs to be about four times this size with more details. MANY more details.

It was pretty at the start and then as time went on I stopped caring about the new green grass poking through the brown tundra, the crunch of the leaves under my feet and the blue sky with fluffy clouds. My whole body hurt and death by wild animal seemed like a good alternative to continuing; the coming of spring no longer brought joy to my soul.

Swear words formed in my mind as the next hill appeared and it was all I could do to keep them from spilling out of my mouth; I was not always successful in this pursuit.

Reality check.

The encouraging and hopeful women of the group looked at their Garmins around the 23km mark and let us know we only had 2km more to go.

I am a realist and couldn’t ignore the fact that we had been lost for awhile and additional hills and trails were coming up; I knew we had more than 2km left to go. At the 25km mark, four of us started to walk and ravenously ate all the food we had left in our packs; water was a thing of the past for all of us.

  • It has to flatten out at some point” was what I kept telling myself; the truth it is doesn’t and it didn’t.
run stat April 16

As you can see, we were lost in the middle for a decent chunk of time. Notice we did MORE than the requisite 25km. Kill me now.

Not only was it hillier and longer than I anticipated, it was warmer out than I thought it was going to be; the transition from winter to summer is always a bit rough. 17 Celsius felt like a tropical heatwave. I nearly peeled my shirt off at the 18 km mark, then I wondered out loud if anyone would care if I ran without pants because at 7:00 am tights, not shorts, seemed like a good plan.

  • I kept my pants on and kept running.

And all I could think was, “Where is my bike? What in the world am I doing out here without my bike?”

I love cycling.

While on the trails I bemoaned the fact that killing my body by putting one foot in front of the other probably meant my plan to pedal for hours and hours on Sunday would need to be readjusted.

  • Note to self: always prioritize cycling.

Another important learning of yesterday is that 25 kms of happy mountain biking not even 12 hours prior to running 28 kms of hills is probably not the wisest thing a woman can do; you live and learn … or you’re training for a half ironman or ultramarathon, neither of which I am doing.

There is a gift in being naïve, it gets you out there. Just make sure you have some gumption and fabulous friends to get you back home.

Are We There Yet?

Over the past two weeks, I have had more conversations than I can count with clients, coworkers, friends, running partners and people in the grocery store line up which can all be summed up by the age old car trip query, “Are we there yet?

  • The answer is, “Nope.

Life is a never ending journey of climbing to the top of a mountain, enjoying the view and peace from the top, finding another mountain to climb and then doing the hard work of travailing, traveling through switchbacks, descending down into dark chasms only to have to immediately climb up the other side, fording rivers and slowly picking your way up a winding path next to a sheer drop off to arrive at your next, well-deserved and glorious mountaintop view.

If you have ever hiked up a mountain, you know that despite the beautiful vistas along the way it can be a lot of work, somewhat dangerous, hard and tiresome. Yet the pay off of being able to see more of the world and sit back and enjoy the view for awhile is rather satisfying and worth it.

  • No one climbs to the top of a mountain and stays there indefinitely, there is always another mountain to climb.

When you’ve climbed to the top of a mountain, scaling another peak doesn’t seem complex. In fact, you can probably see it from where you are and it feels like shouldn’t be too hard to get to; after all, you got to the top of this mountain, right?

And so the next journey begins.

The gap between where you are and where you want to be is usually larger than you realize when you start out.

  • Most of life is lived in the gaps.

Steep climbs paired with some glorious vistas and fabulous seasons of easy climbing have taught me that who I am and who I am becoming is always and completely up to me. I can’t change what happens in life as I climb my mountains, but I can choose to do my best under pressure and become a strong climber.

Diamond

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Over the last season, I have been practicing a few things to help me do a little bit better as I navigate the gaps which make up most of life.

#1 Be where you are

Being happy is not about avoiding pain. How much happiness you are able to experience is directly related to how you go through painful experiences. Happiness is the gift that comes from learning to experience all of life, even the most painful and unpleasant things. Lean into both pain and happiness as it comes in life; go through the pain and savour the amazing times. There is a deep sense of joy that comes when you finally arrive on the other side of hardship, a peace and lightness that cannot be taken away because it is rooted deep into your soul and fills the space that loss has left behind.

road

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The best views and incredible peaks require the most work to arrive at the top.

And when you find yourself at the top or running through a beautiful meadow, throw your arms wide open, smile, let the sun shine on you and laugh as you happily spin around.

  • Lean in and drink deeply of all life has to offer.

#2 Take risks

Someone whom I respect and quite adore once told me, “In order to make an omelette, you have to break some eggs.”

Exactly.

Oftentimes, to get what you want out of life you have to break what currently is in order to make something new. It isn’t for the faint of heart and it takes courage to create a new future.

Pearl

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Risk is never comfortable, but once you’re clear on what you want and where you’re going, you owe it to yourself to execute. Simply not doing what you know you need to do, avoiding, or not making a choice is actually making a choice; every single action and inaction has its risks, both seen and unseen.

  • What if it isn’t broken, rather just open?

#3 Learn to be ok traveling sans map

There is a certain finesse and je ne sais quoi involved in simply moving forward when you don’t know every twist, turn, step or climb in a journey.

Or more aptly put, no guts, no glory.

I have learned the art of gathering what I think I might need and then just doing the next thing because there is no Google Mapsloree app out there to tell me what the next life turn is, where I am going, when I am off course or what time I am due to to arrive.

The road

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Once you’ve started on a journey and descended into the valley, it can become hard to see where you’re going and it is easy to feel desperately lost even though you are moving towards where you want to go and what you want to do with your life.

  • You’re not lost, you’re in process.

#4 Tell yourself a better story

A business acquaintance of mine noted that I have “a legendary optimistic approach to life”. I laughed out loud because I would simply call myself a realist who takes all things into consideration. I am adept at seeing all the problems and all the possibilities; the glorious, good, interesting, boring, bad and ugly.

seeds

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I have simply decided it makes sense to spend more of my time worrying about what could go right rather than what could go wrong since whatever I tend to over analyze and obsess about rarely happens anyway.

  • Worry about what to do when it goes right.

 #5 Throw caution to the wind

I make more plans than the average woman. I have goals, lists, spreadsheets, I am prepared – heck I have everything from dental floss to bike tools in my purse at any given moment. I pack my lunch the night before and get up before the sun to train. And then opportunities show up which I have to say YES to and all plans get thrown out the window and I wonder how in the heck I am going to accomplish what I just agreed to, yet there is nothing else I would rather be doing at the moment.

I am notorious for saying yes to things that make my heart sing and then figuring out how to do them once I start; instruction manuals are rarely referenced which only adds to the chaos and adventure.

The truth is no one knows what they are doing and the only way to grow your capacity is risk epic failure while learning how to do things you don’t know how to do.

chance

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Because I am human, the only way I actually grow is by external pressure. Not knowing how to do everything I have committed to keeps me on my toes and forces me to keep learning, striving and risking failure. Every good woman needs a challenge and adventure in her life which helps her show up every day and give all she has to the task at hand.

  • Make the bold choice and take the opportunity when you come to a fork in the road.

The next challenge in life is rarely easier than the last.

Every single day is an opportunity to become a little bit better, develop, reflect and grow through, not just go through, life. Most days pass by without much notice, but the training you do and the purposeful choices you make in how your respond to life is who you’re becoming and it is what prepares you for the next, bigger, harder, more challenging peaks and valleys which scatter the landscape of your life.

  • If you don’t start the climb, you will never arrive at the top.

If life is anything, it is dichotomous, and that is what makes it good even when it is hard.

Move forward, keep going and be purposeful in how you go about your life. Your only job is to be an amazing you, so go after it with everything you have and don’t look back.

Life Is Too Short To NOT Ride Bikes

Summer love.

The long, dog days of summer are just around the corner and I can’t wait, mostly because it means my bikes get to come out of hibernation. Living in the subarctic does have its benefits and one of the main perks is the antithesis to the dark days of winter; LONG, warm days fill the summer months, days which are full of pedalling and a rather sore arse now and again.

happiness

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  • Fact: We only have two seasons up here, winter and summer.

Surprisingly enough, I am experiencing twinges of sadness as Old Man Winter fades into the background and the flip for summer is about to be switched to the ‘on’ position. In the fall, I decided to embrace the cold days with Project Winter Love and it turns out I didn’t get in nearly enough skiing, long runs in the cold with icicles forming on my eyelashes, walks in the snow and drinking hot beverages while window shopping and people watching, nor did I manage to fit in a snowshoeing adventure or a snowy hike in the mountains.

  • Snowy mountain hikes, snow shoeing and a loppet are happening next winter. Consider it done.

In the winter, I tend to hibernate. More sleep is required, my crockpot usually has some sort of thick, hearty stew or chilli simmering in it and being social is limited to 2 to 3 times a week. Up here, once you’re home, it takes a lot to go back out into the snow and -20C or colder.

Summer, be still my heart.

During the week, my alarm rings somewhere between 4:15 am and 5:00 am. In the winter, this means I have a 3 to 4 hour head start on the sun, but in the summer I get to wake up with the sun. It is glorious to drink coffee on my patio while the sun finishes cresting the edge of the earth and I smile from the bottom of my heart, simply happy to be alive before I train and hit the office.

Summer brings about a lot of things I love – hiking, sitting on patios with friends while drinking wine, fires late into the night, picnics, afternoons at the lake, being able to sit out in shorts and a light jacket and watch northern lights and fun last minute adventures with friends, but most of all it means biking.

Clip me in baby!

Last weekend, it was ‘hot‘ here, a balmy +9C, so the whole city was outside, some even in shorts, embracing the change of the season and I was right with them on my bike.

I opted against the icy, mooshy trail next the river as I didn't need a 'Donloree slid into the river' story to tell everyone at work on Monday morning. Neither of us were still white at the end of the ride.

I opted against the icy, mooshy trail next the river as I didn’t need a ‘Donloree slid into the river’ story to tell everyone at work on Monday morning. Neither the bike nor I were still white at the end of the ride.

Sure, there was still snow in the river valley, but it didn’t stop me from grinning like an idiot and being happier than a pig in mud … and let me tell you, there was a whole lot of mud!

I’ve decided to be purposeful in savouring the season I love most in the subarctic. And I am going to do it while connected to my bike because whenever I am clipped in, it seems everything in the world makes sense and there is nowhere else I would rather be … until my arse starts to tell me otherwise.

I just need to go cycling

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Project Savour Summer.

I have zero problems loving summer, but there are moments when I want to slow down and simply savour the people in front of me, to enjoy and drink deeply of the people and experiences I love most.

A few things I am already planning on deeply enjoying these upcoming months:

  • Ride and possibly race with the Dirt Girls
  • Run through Central Park with two of my favourite friends
  • Head west for a few days to nearly die riding in the mountains and hike through the Rockies
  • Evening walks, wine and dinner with friends
  • Drive away from the city lights and watch northern lights dance late into the night
  • Camp with a fabulous group of women as long as there are showers and flush toilets (I am old and high maintenance)
  • 24 Hours of Adrenalin with a group of coworkers – I am apparently the only woman interested, but then there aren’t many of us women out there in steel fabrication so I will represent
  • Watch the sunset and the sunrise as often and as much as possible
  • Run through Blackfoot to help my crazy ultra marathon friends train for their craziness (I am not, I repeat NOT, training for a marathon or ultra marathon)
  • Find a new city to explore and see what amazing places, people, culture, music and nature it has to share
  • Spend time writing on coffee shop patios like the Little Brick while drinking lattes and trying to avoid a sunburn
  • Complete a duathlon or triathlon (maybe …)

There is no time like the present to be grateful for and savour what you love. I was awake early this morning, so I rode into the sunrise with coffee in my backpack and happiness in my heart.

Edmonton Easter Morning Sunrise

Perfection. And colder than expected! My adorable new Coeur cycling kit will have to wait for warmer temps before it makes a showing.

I have a feeling there are going to be many more early morning rides in the river valley with coffee in tow because, why ever not?! Listening to the stillness, watching the birds play in the sky, smiling at the chatter of the squirrels and seeing the ice give way to spring was the perfect start to this Easter Sunday.

Note to self: when it is -2C, make sure to wear gloves because riding back with only one hand on the handle bars and the other in your jacket collar in an effort to recover feeling in three fingers is a bit risky for a woman named Donloree.

  • We don’t get more moments in life, so how deeply we live the ones we have matters.

Life is good when there is wind in my helmet, my feet are clipped into bike pedals and there are trails to blaze.

What makes your heart sing about summer? What adventures are you choosing to live?

Fear Less

Every completely fearless person has one thing in common – they are all dead.

If you want have great memories when your body doesn’t work the way it used to, build deep, meaningful and lasting relationships with the people you love and accomplish those things you must do, you are going to experience a whole lot of fear.

  • One of the great dichotomies in life is the more you face fear, the more you live. The less fear you face, the less you live.

Experiencing fear is an integral part of accomplishing your dreams and growing your potential. If I lived a life without fear, I would simply stay in my house where it is safe and nothing can harm me, do the same job for the next 25 years, go on vacation to the same place at the same time every year, not meet new people, not try new things and keep to what I know how to do now.

do more than exist

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When a person lives like this, things which didn’t used to be scary suddenly are, they start to do less and less with their lives and the dreams which used to light them up become an impossibility.

Reduction of life is not the goal.

You’re either growing and expanding or shrinking and atrophying – there is no such thing as a static state in life. You have no control over the fact that life constantly moves and you must respond to it; what you do have control over is how you respond and the direction that your life goes.

The other week while spending five hours trapped in a crammy tin can with wings, I had long conversations with the people I had to crawl over at the three hour mark of the flight in order to go to the bathroom. Travel, work, hobbies and fitness always come up in my conversations with seat mates – there is nothing quite like telling a perfect stranger random stories about your life. After awhile, the woman next to me made an odd statement about her perception of me. My response, which tumbled out of my mouth without hesitation, was not what she expected.

Middle Seat Lady – “You’re fearless.”

Donloree – Nope. Fear lurks everywhere – there is always something to be afraid of, I simply have things I want to do with my life and the day I let fear make my choices I am completely screwed. Fearless, never. Courageous, yes. Brave, sure.”

Disappointment crossed her face.

I realized I am not afraid of what she is afraid of so I had a special ‘fearless‘ status in her eyes. Yet, the truth remains that as one grows in life there is always something new to be afraid of, to overcome, to conquer.

I was somewhat surprised by my candour, but the truth of what I said remains.

Fear is not the enemy.

Fear lurks everywhere – trying to avoid it is a waste of time and energy. Instead of trying to be without fear, take it in stride and simply look it in the face, take a deep breath and choose courage. Be brave, relentless in your pursuit, disciplined, focused and joyful; fear simply gets to come along for the ride until it gets bored of being ignored.

Fear is not the enemy

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Admitting fear and experiencing it isn’t weakness; dwelling on it and letting it define what you do and how you live your life is.

Instead of trying to be fearless, we need to learn how to fear less.

If and when you fail while facing your fear, try again; the bravery of yesterday will give you courage for tomorrow.

  • Being afraid and moving through fear is an integral part of living a good life.

Every fear moved through and conquered is the realization of a goal or dream. Being brave is not an easy pursuit, yet living a life you’re not supposed to live isn’t easy either.

Be grateful for the opportunity to be brave as you move towards and through fear when it shows up on your path as you accomplish your goals and experience the realization of  your dreams.

What fear are you kicking in the teeth these days? How do you fear less?